Lars Von Trier Revealed As 'Sex And The City' Mastermind

THE Sex And The City franchise was secretly conceived by Lars Von Trier as an exercise in existential horror, the Danish director has revealed.

Von Trier, whose bleak, savage films include Antichrist and the one with Bjork, outed himself as the puppet master behind SATC as the feature film spin-off Sex and the City 2: More Shopping and Jizz Banter prepares for general release.

The director said: “The philosophy behind my films is that the our world is a vile and hateful place. I imagine it as a vast dried-out white dog turd shat out by a massive lame, sore-covered alsatian, then wanked on by a passing cosmic tramp. Or something along those lines.

“In my early career I tried and failed to convey the essential pointlessness of trying to do anything good through violent, dark and hallucinatory films that contained just enough nudity to get them onto the shelves of Blockbuster. But I could not truly capture the stench of human awfulness.”

He added: “Then, one Tuesday afternoon when I was idly drowning some moths in a jarful of piss I was seized by a vision of four sassy, high-achieving female New Yorkers gossiping about sex, shoes and trying to figure out just what it means to be a woman in the 90s.

“I knew instantly this this would be the most depressing thing ever conceived. I shelved my planned project – David Hasslehoff rutting with a dead horse during a solar eclipse, filmed in real time – and began pseudonymous work on The Futility Mindfuck, or Sex and the City as it would later be called.”

SATC fan Nikki Hollis said: “I don’t care if Sex and the City 2 is a thinly-veiled thesis on the nihilistic horror that underpins all human existence. They’re still four funny chicks with great hair.

“Or three if you don’t count the ginger one.”

 

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Chelsea Title Win Celebrated By Absolutely No-One

EVERYBODY in England completely failed to care yesterday as Chelsea clinched the Premier League title.

As Ian Ancelotti’s side thrashed Wigan 8-0, football enthusiasts watched some programme about endangered rhinos on the Discovery Channel, including Chelsea supporters who had forgotten their team were actually playing.

Inexplicable celebrity Tim Lovejoy said: “The lads have done really well, according to what my personal assistant told me.

“Well done to all those men that play for my team, whatever their names are.”

Footballogist Charlie Reeves stressed that Chelsea occupy a unique position in the national game in that nobody likes them, including every single one of their own fans.

He said: “Twenty years ago, their home crowds were so sparse they had to shout their racist filth really loudly to ensure the bloke next to them heard it properly.

“The stadium is now much busier, but it is mainly stockbrokers using their season ticket as some sort of tax dodge.”

Reeves added: “Basically, a privileged mob of blue arseholes have somehow stumbled ahead of a privileged mob of red arseholes allowing one to draw a parallel with the recent election if one was a right fucking moron with a complete lack of perspective.”

Meanwhile lifelong Blues fan Tom Logan said: “I suppose Chelsea winning the league is a bit like a woman in China giving birth to a daughter – nine months of hard work and expectation followed by an overwhelming sense of utter pointlessness.

“I expect they’ll either have the trophy adopted by a gay couple or dump it in a ditch.”