Lib Dems Force Tories To Have Gay Friends And A Composting Toilet

CONSERVATIVE MPs will be forced to have at least one gay friend each and install a filthy stone age toilet in their homes under any coalition deal with the Liberal Democrats.

With the two parties edging towards an agreement, Lib Dem sources say the Tories must demonstrate their commitment to progressive values by having lunch every day with an absurdly flamboyant gay man who will litter the conversation with repulsive double entendres.

One senior Lib Dem said: “Nothing will change the out-dated attitudes of a traditional Tory MP more effectively than a make-up artist called Simon using ‘toad in the hole’ as a rather obvious code for boisterous sodomy.

“Once a week they must go shopping together and the Tory MP will have to stand silently in front of a full length mirror while Simon drapes a feather boa around his shoulders and then tops it off with a cheeky little hat.”

The source added: “And to demonstrate their commitment to the green economy they must then go home and deposit their toad in the hole into the Dung-o-matic 3000, which I can assure you smells at least 3000 times worse than it sounds.”

Party leader Nick Clegg is also pushing for all Tory MPs to house a convicted paedophile in their garden sheds as part of the Lib Dem plan to release only the 5000 most dangerous perverts from Britain’s jails.

Meanwhile the Tories are attempting to impose strict conditions on the Lib Dems by forcing them to accept a metallic grey chauffeur-driven Jaguar instead of their preferred option of ‘burnt amber’.

Tory backbencher Denys Finch-Hatton said: “What if he tries to kiss me? And if he sends me a photograph of a naked willy am I supposed to say that I like it? Oh God.”

He added: “To be honest I’d rather accept PR and watch the Conservative Party die on its knees than turn up to the golf club with some day-glo ponce mincing along behind me. That said, I am somewhat intrigued by the manky stone age shit-box.”

As the Clegg-Cameron talks continue the Labour Party has made a fresh overture to the Lib Dems by re-enacting Weekend at Bernie’s with Peter Mandelson and Alistair Campbell putting a pair of sunglasses on Gordon Brown and taking him to the beach.

But sources said the chances of a deal receded dramatically after the prime minister failed to react when a stray volley ball hit him right in the nuts.


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First-Time Buyers Still Pathetic

YOUNG would-be homebuyers are still clinging to their nauseatingly rose-tinted hopes and dreams, it was claimed last night.

According to the Institute for Studies, patheticness among prospective first-time buyers rose 34% in the first quarter of 2010, with many still failing to comprehend why the world is such a cold, hard, awful place.

Nikki Hollis, a 28-year-old teacher, said: “My boyfriend and I work hard, dress tastefully and recently bandaged the wing of an injured jackdaw.

She added:”Why then can we not afford a two-bed semi in Surbiton? I’m not sure I want to live in a country where it’s difficult to get things.”

Tom Logan, the boyfriend, said: “On our combined salaries, the only way we could ever afford a place is if we start buying cheap wine and the supermarket own brand, pre-sliced bread that gives you cancer. It’s a death sentence.

The Guardian came round to take photos of us standing by a For Sale sign in the rain, looking forlorn. But still no one wanted to give us a house – well, there was one but it was in Zone 3 which is just not practical.

“Unless something is done soon I’m going to have to perform a piece of expressive dance called ‘Stuck in the Property Birth Canal’ to articulate my feelings of frustration.”

Property expert Stephen Malley said: “Large deposits, rising prices and wage freezes mean that many young people are struggling to take that first step onto the property ladder.

“As if anyone gives a fuck.”