THE world’s media last night set up camp outside Cheryl Cole’s vagina amid mounting rumours it is about to be reactivated.
Sources say there is now a strong chance of sexual mingling between the freak-rating Geordie cuckold and the grammatically-challenged singer from the Black Eyed Peas.
Veteran US reporter Charlie Reeves said: “I was there when US troops pulled out of Vietnam and I swear I’ll be there when that pretty little thing’s clampouch sees some action from that rap feller.
“The last thing you want as a reporter is to be asleep when he drags her into the john for a quick bout of attendant-thumping and hiding the old one-eyed penis.
“I remember back in ’85, I was at my grandmother’s funeral and missed out on Sean Penn wheel-barrowing Madonna around New York’s Latin Quarter nightclub. Got fired. Deserved it.”
BBC coverage of Cole’s tupsy is being spearheaded by award-winning Falklands sweetheart Brian Hanrahan, who has been monitoring her vaginal status since the early days of Girls Aloud.
Hanrahan said: “Over the years there’s been speculation as to the exact number of winkies that have been wiped on her curtains, but I counted them all in and I counted them all out.”
Will.I.Am, the imminent Cole-doer and veteran pea, said: “I know that in the UK she’s the surprisingly hairy queen of shit-kicking hearts, so I promise not to spoil her.
“And rest assured, if Fergie gets her wish and ends up Anting Cheryl’s Dec, I will video the absolute hell out of it.”