Listening to audiobooks 'does not count as reading'

LISTENING to audiobooks does not count as reading, the publishing industry has confirmed. 

Writers, publishers and academics have joined forces to condemn anyone who claims to be a ‘big reader’ while having stories told to them.

Denys Finch Hatton of Penguin Books said: “That’s not reading. F**k off.

“While we should in theory be delighted by people consuming stories in any fashion, listening is so obviously not the same thing as reading. I can’t believe I have to even explain that.

“Have you watched The Irishman because you read its Wikipedia entry? Have you eaten a meal by photographing it? No. How is this different?

“Audiobooks are easy. Reading is hard and not fun. Just because the content is identical doesn’t mean the two are in any way similar.

“So next time Ken from work talks about all the books he’s read, tell him listening to Lee Child while he drives to Leicester doesn’t count and that he should be f**king ashamed.”

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Saturday night plans to 'large it' downgraded to 'medium it'

A GROUP of men in their 30s have downgraded their Saturday night ‘larging it’ plans to ‘mediuming it’ instead.

The group, aged between 33 and 38, decided that earlier pledges to ‘go large or go home’ were over-ambitious, and have vowed to ‘go medium and go home without shame’ as a more realistic substitute.

Father-of-one Tom Booker, aged 36, said: “The WhatsApp group has been mad with bantz for months. We’d settled on pints watching football, then a pub golf crawl through town with forfeit shots for losers, then a club.

“But as the night approached we mutually agree that large was perhaps a bit too big, what with none of us being young anymore and how much drinks cost in clubs these days and not wanting to spend all Sunday in bed stinking like a beer mat.

“So now we’re going to have a couple of pints with the football, go for a curry somewhere pleasant, then all be home for Match of the Day.

“The relief is euphoric. I feel like I’ve dropped an E.”

Several members of the group are secretly planning to downgrade plans even further to ‘smalling it’ and head home before the curry, because two pints is quite enough these days.