Look at these fat freaks, says television

THIS year’s television schedules will focus on staring blankly at the immensely fat, it has been confirmed.

Broadcasters have unveiled their new series for 2011, all of which feature enormous people being filmed from every conceivable angle.

BBC3’s new four-parter Tubby Trek follows the life-affirming journey of Britain’s fattest man, Stephen Malley, as he is winched and towed across the Andes in search of the world’s most calorific food – a quasi-mystical paste called Gondok made from reduced yak butter, whale thigh and cloves.

A spokesman said: “This is one man’s transformation from hungry to not hungry. The scenery is as breathtaking as his big, crazy arse.”

Channel 4’s Fat Shock season will return with Cheese In Their Folds, a documentary which graphically fails to disprove the myth that very obese people have a dairy-like sediment in their back cleavage. E4 will screen Famous Cheese In Their Folds.

Meanwhile Channel 5 will follow-up hit show You Wouldn’t Believe How Fucking Fat This One Is with No Wait, This One’s Even Fatter, Look What Happens When We Poke It.

TV pundit, Nikki Hollis, said: “Massive people make perfect television because they are simultaneously endearing and revolting. They’re like pandas that it’s ok to hate.

“Also, when they fall over, they really struggle to get back up.

“It can actually be very moving.”


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Liverpool phones Dignitas

DIRECTORS at Liverpool FC have booked Roy Hodgson a special holiday to Switzerland to thank him for all his hard work.

The nonagenarian footballing gnome has been blamed for recent poor results after sending the entire squad out with a farthing each on a hunt across Liverpool to see if they still sell licorice bullets.

The club has now opened negotiations with the sales team at Dignitas, the Swiss clinic where dreams come true for a bit.

Assistant manager Sammy Lee said: “He keeps asking whether Switzerland is by the seaside and whether they do a nice pie and pea supper. I hope he doesn’t struggle.”

He added: “I’m dreading the journey over as we had to stop two dozen times on our way to Blackburn because he refused to use the coach facilities. Hopefully the flight back will give me time to relax before I have to confront whatever the hell could possibly be coming next.”

Relations are still strained between manager and players since Hodgson accused all of them, except Joe Cole, of trying to work their way into his will, which currently names the Cats Protection League as the sole benefactor.

Fax-impersonating captain Steven Gerrard said: “He wheeled into the dressing room, calling us a bunch of sneaky little buggers and waving his fist around, before giving Joe a five pound postal order.”

Defending last night’s 3-1 defeat to Blackburn, Hodgson said: “I meet that Steve Kean before the game, lovely young fellow with beautiful manners and he makes a smashing brew.

“I told him I had a special treat for him, then told my boys they’d be fired if they kicked a ball straight for more than 10 yards. Eeeh, the looks on their faces.”

He added: “Now apparently I’ve got to go on holiday to  to some place that, according to our Sammy, is a bit like Butlins except everything’s very white.

“I don’t know why we can’t just rent a chalet in Canvey Island like we did when I was a young girl.”