Man angry at very thought of going to the cinema

A MAN asked on a cinema trip is seething at the very prospect of those he would have to sit near and what they would be loudly eating.

Nathan Muir was invited to a Saturday screening of The Creator by a friend who presumably enjoys trying to focus on a film while in a mosh pit of reeking pricks.

Muir said: “At the multiplex? With the sound of The Nun 2 bleeding through from next door? Alongside a load of nodding dogs chewing with their mouths open?

“Oh yeah, I’d love to come to sit behind some prick crunching f**king nachos, bathing in their cheese stink for hours. Next to a twat who gets his phone out every two minutes. In front of a couple who paid £9.99 each for a good long chat.

“There’s nothing like real moviegoing with six scrotes in the back row shouting knobhead catchphrases on a Saturday night, is there? And if you want to join the gnashing herds it’s a 40-minute queue and six f**king quid for a bag of Munchies.

“Would the film be enhanced by mouth-breathers? Snorters? Ice-rattling vermin who wouldn’t know a dialogue beat from a beating with a baseball bat? No thanks. I’ll watch it on demand.”

Friend Julian Cook said: “Yeah it was only so I wouldn’t have to talk to Nathan.”

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Sexy urbanites popping up on country folk's Tinder to tantalise them

ATTRACTIVE city dwellers are heading to the country for the weekend to show rural Tinder users what they are missing.

Backwater bumpkins are being treated to the seductive sight of dating profiles that belong to sexy singletons who hail from glittering metropolises like Cardiff and Leeds as they pass through on a train.

Cabbage farming hick Tom Booker said: “These beauties are stunning yet ephemeral, like shooting stars. It would be foolish to think they would look twice at a primitive rube such as myself, but a man can dream.

“Browsing their profiles was like looking at some advanced alien civilisation. They don’t look even slightly related to me and there’s not a single toothless smile among them. I can scarcely believe they’re real.”

Milkmaid Lauren Hewitt said: “I don’t know anything about these cinema dates of which they seem so fond, but they sure do sound exciting. Maybe if I hike up my dirndl I’ll get asked out on one.

“I’m yet to match with anybody though. It’s as if they’re not attracted to my stiff black and white daguerreotypes or the dowry of four cows and two goats I offer in my bio.”

Wayne Hayes from London said: “This is like safari for us. Check out the webbed feet on her.”