Man faces pretending to like Ride all over again

A MAN in his thirties has expressed dismay at having to pretend to like 90s shoegaze band Ride for the second time.

37-year-old Tom Logan bought the newly-reformed group’s tapes when he was at school as part of a ploy to make girls like him.

“Because I was physically puny I could not impress girls through my sporting prowess, so the only logical alternative was to embrace lank hair, steel toe-capped Doc Marten’s and ethereal reverb-drenched rock with inaudible lyrics.

“Although I created an entire identity based around androgynous dream pop and a vague sense of social isolation, I was always jealous of the hard kids who got to listen to Public Enemy and NWA, or even just Monster Hits tapes.”

Logan said the reformation of Ride had left him feeling obliged to attend a concert: “People are already badgering me about it.

“It’s too late to admit it was part of an attempt to appear enigmatic when actually I was just sitting in my room drinking tea and masturbating.

“All I need now is for Catherine Wheel, Lush and Chapterhouse to get back together and that’s my diary buggered for the next few months.”

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Last ‘older-looking kid who buys porn for friends’ retires

THE UK’s last working porn-getter has retired.

15-year-old Wayne Hayes, who earned valuable extra income buying copies of Razzle and Men Only for the younger kids in his village, quit last week after the area got broadband.

“I was a porn-getter since the age of 13, when I went through puberty overnight and was able to grow a beard which led the newsagent to overlook my school uniform.

“My father was a porn-getter too, thanks to always having a deep voice and big hands.

“The internet is ruining everything. At least I can still make a quid getting fags and drink for the lads in year eight, but I’m sure you’ll be able to download them soon too.”