45-year-old man finally accepts that some people like rap music

A MIDDLE-AGED music fan who insisted that anyone claiming to enjoy rap music is lying has finally accepted some of them must be genuine. 

Wayne Hayes was first convinced that everyone was pretending to like Run DMC and Public Enemy to look cool when a schoolboy, and has refused to change his mind ever since.

He said: “To be fair, logic was on my side. Just listen to it.

“It being established that it couldn’t reasonably be enjoyed, I therefore assumed everyone was pretending they liked it to be edgy and different.

“I’ve maintained this belief through the 90s of Snoop Dogg, the 00s of Jay-Z and whoever the bloody hell it is now, that Kanye West probably, but I’m man enough to admit when I’m wrong.

“I now accept that some people, a minority certainly, do actually enjoy some rap music, and will be retiring my ‘Rap music? Begins with a silent C!’ joke, after many years service.”

Hayes added: “They must not have heard Deep Purple. That’s the only explanation.”

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Successful A-Level student to mention results every day for rest of life

A STUDENT who received top A-Level results plans to work them into every conversation she has for the rest of her life.

Ella Bradbury said: “Oh, it’s no big deal, really, I only got five A*s in Physics, Further Maths, Chemistry, Biology, oh and English – just as a doss subject, to let off some steam, you know?

“Hopefully Cambridge won’t count that against me.”

She added: “I almost forgot to mention, I also got top five percent national grades in Physics and Biology respectively, but I’m sure that’s got to be quite common, as I barely even studied.

“I bet loads of other people did way better than I did. I mean, not at this school, or any school I’ve heard of… but probably somewhere.”

Mark Bradbury, Ella’s father, said: “We’re very proud of Ella, but we’re also aware that she’s going to be an insufferable shit forever.”