Man finally gets My Bloody Valentine

A 41-year-old man has announced he finally gets bands like My Bloody Valentine and Ride.

Martin Bishop said that despite years of his friends listening to ‘shoegazing’ bands, he never quite understood it and did not even bother to illegally downloading any of their albums.

Bishop added: “My mate posted some tracks from Loveless by My Bloody Valentine on Facebook and I was like, ‘this is brilliant’.

“So then I listened to Polar Bear by Ride and I was like ‘this is brilliant too’. I’ve even bothered to illegally download all their albums now. It’s a big step.

“Now, if anyone asks me I’ll be like, ‘Yeah, of course I like shoegazing music, pretty much always have’.”

Bishop’s friend, Nathan Muir, said: “He’ll be saying he likes Drone Rock next, which is just nonsense.

“I don’t like Drone Rock and I’m the bass player in Godspeed You! Black Emperor.”

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Night out in Wales is best way to prepare for the apocalypse

A TYPICAL night out in a Welsh town is the best way to prepare yourself for Armageddon, it has been confirmed.

Emma Bradshaw, 31 from Hatfield, visited a friend in Swansea on a Saturday night and returned home from the experience mentally scarred but able to withstand viral outbreaks, pestilence and probably nuclear war.

Bradshaw said: “It seemed to be a dress rehearsal for total societal collapse.

“The streets were littered with debris, gangs were roaming around starting fights, bodies were lying on the pavements. The police were there but didn’t get out of their riot vans and I can’t really blame them.”

Bradshaw added: “They say the only things to survive a nuclear holocaust would be cockroaches, but the pissed up mentalists of Swansea on a Saturday night will be the ones repopulating the earth.

“Enjoy the rest of your weekend.”