Man has seen all the big bands when they were unknown and shit

A ROCK fan has seen all of today’s top bands before they were famous or worth watching, he has confirmed.

Stephen Malley saw Radiohead when they were still called On A Friday, Blur when they were called Seymour and Suede when Justine Frischmann was a member, all of whom were unknown and unendurable.

He continued:”I’ve just got a knack for spotting the hot new acts before they’ve got any good songs, or instruments, or stage presence.

“Kasabian, Elbow, Disclosure, I’ve seen them all in tiny venues when all the things that would eventually make them hugely successful were not in the least apparent.

“Though I remember this young Irish band I saw in Derby in 1979, U2. Absolutely fucking awful, but even then you could tell it was the kind of fucking awful that would make them stars.”

Malley was introduced to the joys of live music by his father who saw The Silver Beatles on their 1960 tour of Scotland and described them as ‘piss’.

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Threesome ruined by administrative oversight

A PROMISING sexual encounter between a man and two women has turned into a logistical nightmare.

Although Stephen Malley, 25, has spent his entire adult life fantasising about a threesome, he soon realised that his plan was woefully inadequate.

Malley said: “Very quickly my sexual excitement was replaced by a sudden realisation that I had no overall strategy and unless we established some basic criteria the whole thing would collapse in a messy heap.

“I now wish all those hours I wiled away imagining this situation had been spent drawing up a watertight schedule, or at least some sort of  to-do list.”

Partner Emma Bradford said: “Stephen insisted we all get a pen and paper and write down the sexual acts we were hoping to experience, with whom and in which order. He was clearly very anxious.

“When he opened up an Excel spreadsheet the whole thing lost its spontaneity and we decided to watch television, as a group, instead.”