Fears housing market could slow from completely insane to utterly absurd

UK properties could soon be only way out of reach from first time buyers as opposed to a preposterous fantasy in the mind of a lunatic.

In August of this year, the average price of a two bedroom hole in South London was £450,000, but there are now fears this figure could drop to as low as £430,000.

Norman Steele, a mortgage broker, said: “It’s the difference between a young couple staring in an estate agent’s window and saying, ‘This is ridiculous, we’re going to have to live in a kennel or move to Middlesbrough’ to ‘This is ridiculous, we’re going to have to live in a shed or move to Stoke’.”

Meanwhile, the Government has been urged to build no new houses, destroy many of the existing houses and encourage wealthy foreign gangsters to buy every third house in your street.

Conservative MP Tom Booker said, “This is cast iron evidence that Corbyn’s Britain is beginning to bite.”

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Six-year-old collecting some f**king thing

A SMALL boy is collecting Moshi Monsters or football stickers or some other thing no adult wants to know about. 

Six-year-old Tom Booker enthused at length about his collection to an audience of grown-ups who could not have cared less.

The items, which apparently come in sealed packets concealing ultra-rare gold somethings or holographic fucking whatevers, can be used to play some sort of game.

Susan Traherne, a friend of the child’s mother, said: “He has itemised these things with the bloody-mindedness of a regional manager doing a stock audit.

“Some of them cost £1 and some cost £2 and the special ones are £3.50 and every single one, according to his mum, was bought to stop his whingeing when he was being dragged around the supermarket.

“Apparently he’s made a Christmas list of the ones he hasn’t got. I only hope Santa has a high boredom threshold.”

Booker’s father Geoff said: “I love him, but if I hear once more about how the metallic blue ones are limited edition I may lose my mind.

“Sometimes I have to go and stroke my original Star Wars figures to calm down.

“Boba Fett is the rarest one. He fires a rocket.”