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Man thinks 'period costume' refers to girlfriend’s lounge-wear

A MAN believes the phrase ‘period costume’ refers to the cosy lounge-wear worn by his girlfriend, it has emerged.

Jordan Gardner, 23, was left bemused after Charlotte Phelps commented on the ‘period costumes’ worn in the Jane Austen show she had just watched, which looked nothing like her joggers and slanket.

Gardner said: “Charlotte loves those boring BBC adaptations of olden days books where they all dress like twats in bonnets and waistcoats. She tries to make me join her, but I end up sitting on the bog watching the football highlights.

“But when she started banging on about the amazing period costumes, I was confused. Why on earth would they make a version of Pride & Prejudice where everyone’s wearing pyjamas and clutching hot water bottles to their abdomens? Like, even the blokes?

“I know TV has to constantly reinvent genres to keep us interested and everything, but Mr Darcy kicking back in lounge-wear is just bizarre. Even I know he wouldn’t look good walking out of a lake in a onesie.”

Charlotte Phelps said: “Yes, Jordan’s thick but he’s also hot. However, when he points to my fleecy dressing gown and calls it ‘period dress’, I’m not sure it’s worth the exchange of enjoying his six-pack.”

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Gourmet burger chain expects you to dislocate your jaw like a python

A GOURMET burger chain is expecting customers to be able to detach their jaw from the rest of their skull in order to eat their food, it has emerged.

The restaurant has come under criticism after several customers tore their mandible from their maxilla while attempting to take a bite of the Beef Cowboy Deluxe, a foot-high stack of bread, meat and cheese.

Head chef Francesca Johnson said: “Eating our burgers is easy. Just loosen up the mandibular symphysis connecting the two halves of your lower jaw and allow the elastic tendons between to stretch around the burger.

“Then walk each of your two lower mandibles independently across the tasty brioche bun and swallow it whole. Snakes manage it and they’re less evolved than you, so where’s the problem?

“We even put a little wooden skewer in there to hold everything in place. Obviously you do have to take it out before eating. And be quick: you get about half a second between pulling it out and the whole burger collapsing.

“If you want, you can try to squash the stack to a more manageable size but you will then fire several litres of ketchup, melted cheese and searing hot burger juice across yourself and anyone else at the table.

“Or I guess you could take the burger apart and eat it with a knife and fork, you pussy.”

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