Man wants honest opinion on terrible creative writing

A MAN has asked his friends to give their honest opinion on his utterly dreadful short stories.

IT consultant Martin Bishop has urged friends not to ‘pull any punches’ over his atrociously written, unoriginal and often deeply offensive work.

Friend Nikki Hollis said: “My fair and balanced opinion of his fantasy story ‘Ice Lords of Norderos’, would be ‘this is fucking shit’.

“I’d be forced to add that it’s 100 percent derivative guff, the bit where Queen Malthusi has sex with an entire platoon of guards to get the magic amulet is incredibly dodgy, and ‘dragon’ only has one ‘g’ in it, for fuck’s sake.”

She added: “Maybe I’ll tell him it would work better as a novel. That could take years.”

Best friend Wayne Hayes said: “He sent me something called ‘The Chronos Vortex’, which I believe is unique in the time travel genre because it involves building a time machine to prevent a mountain bike being stolen.

“I don’t want to ruin a lifelong friendship, but on the plus side, at least he’d stop sending me his erotic zombie fiction.”

Bishop said: “All authors need to learn to accept criticism, although I doubt anyone will be able to find anything wrong with my story about a man who doesn’t realise he’s a ghost but then it’s all a dream.”

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London in grip of bearded coffee fanatics

AREAS of London are effectively no-go zones unless you know about specialist coffee, it has emerged.

Bearded, wild-eyed young man with extreme views on beans and filtration effectively control large parts of the capital, operating from minimalist premises with bikes on the walls.

Peckham-based policeman Tom Booker said: “I dislike Donald Trump but he’s right, there are places here I’m scared to go, like artisan coffee house ‘Sip’.

“Apparently they have a whole ‘philosophy of coffee’ – it says so in fancy writing on the wall – which appears to involve facial hair, being overly confident and probably persecuting tea drinkers.

“I like a cappuccino as much as the next man but they’re all ‘-gato’ this and ‘-sippi’ that, it’s alienating and feels somehow secretive.”

Hackney resident Mary Fisher said: “I always thought cafes were friendly, community places but they’ve been taken over by an element that thinks coffee is a religion.

“You see the young people going into these places, they start listening to FKA Twigs, wearing short trousers with no socks and promoting musically eclectic club nights. The charismatic baristas brainwash them into believing they are amazing.

“I think they’re plotting something. Not sure what, but I’m certain it will be annoying.”