Manic Street Preachers horrified to discover they are still touring

THE members of the Manic Street Preachers were stunned to discover they are still playing dates across the country rather than living normal middle-aged lives.

News of a nationwide tour in May 2019 came as a surprise to the band who had presumed they had broken up a decade ago.

James Dean Bradfield said: “I got an email about Manic Street Preachers tickets, so I felt I should open it given that I was a founder member of the band.

“For some reason I will be touring for much of next year. I’ve been forced to cancel a Danube river cruise. It’s all been very distressing.”

Fan Stephen Malley said: “I can’t wait to see songs I loved in my teens being played by wizened middle-aged men with potbellies. It’ll be a welcome reminder of the ravages of time.

“I’m planning to go to the bar when they play anything from their last eight albums.”

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Couple with shared Facebook profile will be divorced in three months

A COUPLE with a shared Facebook profile will be divorced with three months, it has been confirmed.

Tom and Helen Booker’s joint social media presence is only one indicator of the absolute shitfight into which their relationship has deteriorated.

The husband and wife also have dedicated weekly ‘date nights’ and a contrived portmanteau name that nobody has called them.

Tom Booker said: “We wanted the world to see how in love Tomelen is, and the fact she caught me sending messages to her cousin is completely irrelevant. We are a passionate couple, and all the shouting last weekend just proves it.”

Booker’s wife Helen said: “If people want to criticise us just because we wear matching jumpers with hearts on that’s their problem. It’s got nothing to do with the month I went to Italy by myself.

“I don’t care if my friends think it’s weird. I love him and he loves me and that’s the fucking end of it, alright?”