Mark E. Smith celebrates 60th birthday with promise to be less mainstream

AS he celebrates his 60th birthday Mark E. Smith has pledged to be less mainstream and easy going.

The Fall frontman said the landmark birthday meant he could finally become ‘uninhibited, uncooperative and generally very difficult’.

He added: “I’m sick of being so ‘vanilla’. I just to spend the rest of my of life being an obtuse fucker to everyone I encounter. I wonder what that will be like?”

Meanwhile, ‘friends’ of Smith have organised a party that will be attended by all 66 former members of The Fall.

One friend said: “Some of them will be here in a work capacity as waiters and such but it’s unlikely Mark will even recognise a lot of them.

“I love The Fall and I wouldn’t recognise about 40 of them. I’m not even totally sure whether I was in The Fall myself, to be honest.”

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Media begin search for new far right nutter to turn into a household name

THE UK media are actively seeking a new braying, right wing idiot to feature over-prominently in news and current affairs programmes.

With Ukip and Nigel Farage looking just about spent, broadcasters agreed the time is right to promote some other ‘colourful’ jingoistic maniac, perhaps starting out as an ironic joke as a panellist on 8 Out of 10 Cats.

Within weeks, it is hoped the idiot will be making fortnightly appearances on Question Time.

Normal Steele, head of BBC News said: “We desperately want someone white, male and obnoxiously over-entitled.

“Ultimately, we need a smaller-than-life character who expresses the true spirit of England – someone who makes Farage look like Ken Loach. Please get in touch.”