Mark Kermode's top films that are set in his own rectum

HI, I’m Mark Kermode and it’s fine if you think I’m a twat.

But I’m not here to talk to about the reasons you might dislike me without ever having met me, today I’m here to tell you about my favourite films that are set entirely in my back passage. So, let’s begin…

In the Dark

It’s dark, it’s scary. Well, it would be, wouldn’t it? It’s my anus after all.

The Arsenator Franchise

Now, as everyone knows, I’m not usually one for franchises and all that kind of thing but The Arsenator movies are different. They’re subtle, wonderfully observed, tender at times but also pretty non-stop when they get going.

Conversations at the Back Door

A beautiful film, filled with ordinary people, all just talking out of their own back doors. You can probably see why I like it so much.

The Arsorcist

I love this classic horror film, just love it. It has everything, suspense, drama, just everything. At it’s heart it’s the story of an ordinary family who might be the victims of a hostile paranormal entity or they may just be up my arse. The director bravely leaves it to the viewer to decide (although if you ask me, they’re up my arse).

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Middle-aged people ask 'Generation Sensible' what it's like having sex sober

MIDDLE-AGED people have asked the younger fitness-obsessed generation what sex is like when you aren’t drunk.

Joseph Turner, 58, did not think sex was possible without the aid of wine, scotch and a packet of dry roasted peanuts for energy.

Turner said: “Alcohol helps my wife believe she’s with Daniel Craig and not a man who subscribes to Classic Car magazine.

“And with Chardonnay’s help my wife looks like Catherine Zeta Jones and not the woman who constantly nags me for a better conservatory.

23-year-old Susan Traherne said: “We don’t actually have sex because we’re too busy either at the gym or worrying about house prices.

“If we were to have intercourse it would purely be for reproductive purposes, or as part of some incredibly depressing ‘five year plan’.”