Matt Damon to play Catwoman

MATT Damon will be Catwoman to Ben Affleck’s Batman, it has been confirmed.

Producers of the forthcoming Batman film believe the pair’s screen chemistry will sizzle in whip-heavy onscreen tussles.

A source said: “This is Matt and Ben behaving as you’ve always suspected they do in their leisure time.

“And it’s about time Catwoman was played by a short, thickset man.”

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Energy bills to clearly state how you're being exploited

NEW rules require all energy bills to explain in full detail how customers are being ripped off.

Clearly-labelled charges on the new bills include Standing Charge, Handling Charge, Fake Handling Charge, Lying Charge, Lying To Government Charge and We Didn’t Think You’d Notice This Charge.

A typical bill will begin with the words Dear Hapless Masses, and then state exactly how much of the money you pay is spent on organic veal for the chief executive’s dog to eat.

A spokesman for industry watchdog OFGEM said: “Everyone knows they’re having hundreds of pounds a year flat-out stolen from them by their energy provider, but it can be very difficult to work out what that money is being spent on.

“The new billing system has a pie chart to show exactly what percentage of your annual bill goes to escort services, how much goes directly to Vladimir Putin and how much is simply pissed away.”

Norman Steele of Warrington said: “Apparently £26.25 of my annual bill was spent on containing nuclear leaks, and £267.85 was spent on covering up nuclear leaks. Which obviously I’m fine with.

“But it says here that 21 per cent of my bill goes on paying shady heavily-armed mercenaries to guard oil and gas supplies.

“It’s a bloody outrage. I mean, that’s what I pay my taxes for.”