Meghan to write self-help book about nightmare in-laws

THE Duchess of Sussex’s first financial venture will be a self-help book focused on co-existing with nightmare in-laws. 

The tome will feature advice on how to avoid conversations about race, sex, poverty, various historical genocides, the merits of heriditary rule and the ghastliness of Nicholas Witchell at the dinner table.

Meghan said: “Grandfather muttering about what Cecil used to say back in Rhodesia? Uncle remarking on the lovely young servant girl? I have been there.

“Whether it’s the brother-in-law making a pass over the dishes, the sister-in-law staring daggers or Uncle Edddie’s puppet theater, I’ve been through it all and survived.

“It’s ultimately about the day-to-day problems we all face in marriage, like the family business being prioritised over all else, realising that your spouse’s ancestry is 85 per cent Nazis, and the divine right of kings still somehow still being a thing for these people.”

The Duchess is expected to follow it with a series of children’s books about a gorgeous commoner who becomes a princess then fights an endless Hunger Games-style battle with the media.

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Your country sucks, by Meghan Markle

By Her Royal Highness Meghan Markle

IN simple terms, the reason Harry and I are stepping down from Royal duties and moving to Canada is this: Britain sucks. 

Much has been and will be said about our attitude to our duties, Harry’s relationship with his brother, the racism of your media. All important factors. But none as crucial as the fact that the UK is a sh*thole and we are out of here.

From your pissy weather to your crappy little towns to your stupid f**king Brexit, it sucks. The North sucks and Scotland sucks and Wales sucks and you know Sussex? That sucks too.

I’ve only been living here a few years. H has been here a lifetime. ‘Honestly Megs, Kabul or Cardiff? No contest. Kabul every time,’ he says.

So we’re ditching the whole Royal thing. We’re leaving frosty kitchen suppers with Kate and Wills behind. The Daily Mail can, as ever, go and f**k itself. Because we refuse to raise our beautiful Archie in your balls-ass country.

Canada? Fantastic cities, incredible vistas, liberal prime ministers, legal weed. Britain?  Nando’s on retail parks, town centres thick with rough sleepers, and vindictive attacks on anyone with skin darker than a Greggs steak bake.

For those of you ranting about Frogmore Cottage, don’t worry. We’ll never be there. We intend to visit this dungheap as infrequently as possible. We might even put it on AirBNB.

If we never saw the UK again we’d be well pleased. Let this be my final statement as a Royal: f**k off forever.


the Duke and Duchess of Sussex