Men claim every 80s action movie is a Christmas movie

MEN are arguing that every action movie made in the 1980s is a heartwarming seasonal film, not just Die Hard.

Following the addition of Die Hard, Die Hard 2, Lethal Weapon and harrowing torture porn gore-fest Home Alone to the Christmas canon, men have petitioned for the inclusion of Commando, Road House and Chuck Norris’s Delta Force.

Stephen Malley of Wrexham said: “Predator is definitely a Christmas film.

“It’s just that being set in the jungles of central America, there’s very little in the way of decorations and the men involved don’t have time to wish each other a ‘Feliz Navidad’.

“But it’s got that Christmassy feel, you know? Goodwill to all men and that. I’m wiping away a festive tear by the end, I don’t mind admitting.”

Other Christmas movies include Rocky 4, in which the climactic fight takes place on Christmas Day, Aliens, where everyone is a bit busy to exchange presents, and Mad Max 2, where Christmas is in summer because it is Australian.

Francesca Johnson said: “My boyfriend told me Robocop was a Christmas movie, but all he was doing was surreptitiously shaking a set of sleigh bells hidden behind the sofa arm for the final half-hour.

“But when he finally shoots Jones and sends him flying out of that window to his death I realised that was the true meaning of Christmas.”

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Mother Teresa sainthood paperwork 'a massive ball ache', says Pope

POPE Francis has filled in the lengthy forms for Mother Teresa’s ‘miracles’ to be approved by Jesus.

The Pope, who described the process as ‘a pain in the balls’, finally completed the 240-page application, complete with signed witness testimony and photographs, late last night.

He said: “When one of the cardinals said ‘Hey, let’s make Mother Teresa a saint, she was wicked holy’ I was like, why not?

“I thought I could do it online, but four hours later the printer was still churning out this gigantic bastard. And it all had to be handwritten in black ink.

“And you have to get medical evidence, proof of prayer and birth records showing that everyone involved was a Catholic.

“What the fuck?”

The Pope added: “Now I just bung the whole thing up the chimney, like a letter to Santa, and see what happens next.”