Michael Buerk's 999 and other 90s shows that scared the crap out of you

ARE you forever haunted by the episode of 999 where the kid got a javelin impaled in his neck? You’ll also remember these:


Michael Buerk’s doom-laden voiceover let this show turn any every day activity into a potential death trap, from PE lessons to going for a drive in a Morris Minor. Viewers were also left with the impression they could perform a successful tracheotomy with a biro, which may have led to further trauma if they actually attempted it.


In the 90s the BBC thought it was fine to schedule Casualty before the watershed, despite it being chock-full of terrifyingly graphic depictions of accidents and injuries. Anyone who has long harboured an irrational fear of being killed in a chip pan fire, despite never owning a chip pan, can trace its origins back to 8pm on a Saturday night.

Round the Twist

Nobody knew what mental health was in the 90s but that didn’t stop a generation of kids damaging theirs by watching this f**ked-up show. Remember the boy who had fingernails growing out of his entire hand? How about the fox with human eyes? It was basically child abuse with a great theme tune.

The X-Files

Though the special effects from The X-Files are now so dated they look like they were made by Anthea Turner on Blue Peter, back in the 90s they were cutting edge and truly frightening. The theme song gives you shivers to this day but you’ll still watch absolutely anything with Gillian Anderson in it.

The Animals of Farthing Wood

Cute creatures working together to save their woodland home from developers sounds like a delightful show for children. However, it was actually a brutal bloodbath involving multiple methods of animal death every episode including shooting, drinking toxic waste and being squashed on a motorway. Chilling.

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Freezing shitty spring means lovely long hot summer, Britain lies to itself

THE UK is deluding itself that a wet, windy and f**king freezing spring means it can look forward to a lovely long hot summer. 

Across Britain, people are opening the curtains to pissing rain, turning the thermostat up a notch and, against all reason and experience, believing this means that June will be a real scorcher.

Plasterer Ryan Whittaker said: “Just another week of this then it’s the hot vax summer.

“Yeah, I’m pretty sure it’s a meteorological rule that when you get a cold, wet May the following three months are absolutely blazing. It’s something to do with the jetstream.

“I mean my main holiday’s a fortnight camping in Whitby, so there’s no way it can be absolutely lashing down and 11 degrees by then. No way at all.”

Hannah Tomlinson agreed: “I keep telling the garden to drink that rain up, because after this it’s a solid 90 days of unbroken sunshine and hot, lazy nights.

“Absolutely no doubt. The summer of a lifetime is approaching. Also, there definitely won’t be another lockdown.”