Middle-aged man listening to 90s club mix wonders what the f**k he was thinking

A MIDDLE-AGED man listening to a club mix he loved 25 years ago is struggling to understand what the f**k he was thinking.

Nathan Muir, aged 47, popped an old Cream Anthems CD into his car stereo for a long drive and spent the journey speculating on what mental state he must have been in back in 1997 to enjoy this shit.

He said: “Obviously some of the time I was on E. But not most of the time.

“In fact, given the difficulty we had scoring, I’d say I listened to this while loved-up perhaps twice. Which begs the question: what the f**k was I getting from it at every other point?

“Thump thump thump, crappy vocal samples looped to the point of madness, literally whole tracks passing while I’m waiting for them to get started. And this was one of my favourite mixes. I had this bastard on every Friday night.

“I know youth itself is somewhat intoxicating, but that’s no excuse for having a whole library of Pete Tong Essential Mixes from summer 1997 to Ibiza 2000 inclusive. And being able to tell the difference between them.

“I must have just been a little headbanging ravey twat. It’s the only explanation that fits the facts. Sorry everyone. I’m putting some Fleetwood Mac on now.”

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Pork scratchings and other weird as f**k foods you only eat in pubs

HAVING one too many in the pub must do strange things to the taste buds, because it’s the only place where you eat these deranged foods:

Pork scratchings

The most unappetising snack name in the English language magically becomes mouth-watering once you’ve had a pint. If the fried rind of a pig is acceptable here then where does the madness end? Next you’ll be nibbling on your own toenails and wondering why nobody has cornered the edible human hair market.

Scampi fries

You know what fries are, and you have a vague idea that scampi comes from the sea, but these fishy wheat pillows look nothing like either. However, you’re a bit pissed so you don’t give that a second thought as you mindlessly stuff your face. They taste better than sex feels so don’t spoil them by reading the ingredients.

Five bags of assorted crisps all at once

At home you’ve trained yourself to only eat one bag of crisps at a time. But when you get together with your mates you collectively tear open five packets and scoff them with wild abandon like animals. Luckily this haphazard blend of flavours is acceptable in a pub, so you go and buy another seven packets.

Bar nuts

Where else in the world would you consider sharing a bowl of nuts that have been sitting out for hours with a bunch of total strangers? Unfortunately you begin to lose your inhibitions after a couple of drinks, and forget that communally dipping into a pile of manky, unhygienic peanuts with people who don’t look the type to wash their hands after visiting a urinal is f**king disgusting.

Pickled egg

The very notion of a pickled egg seems perverse and disturbing until you’re six pints in and need something to mop up all that Stella. At this stage a greying, acidic egg that looks like it has been in the jar for two years begins to seem like a Michelin-starred meal, especially if it’s served in a mashed-up bag of cheese and onion crisps.

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