Rotating Warhammer display in window has same effect on man as lap dancer spinning on pole

A MAN has been mesmerised by a rotating window display of Warhammer models in the same way people are captivated by pole dancers.

Drooling onlooker Martin Bishop was innocently going about his business when the seductive revolving stand of plastic battle miniatures caught his attention in the window of a Warhammer shop.

He said: “I heard they had these sorts of things on the continent and in Soho, but I never expected to see one in the middle of town. I don’t know whether to be aroused or outraged.

“Just watch that Deathwing Terminator squad led by the Watcher in the Dark go. I reckon they’ve been painted by the ‘Eavy Metal team, which doesn’t come cheap let me tell you. That’s pure class. I’m into it for the artistry, you know?

“And would you look at that Spartan assault tank which can carry 25 power-armoured Space Marines? That’s got to be from the Forge World online store. There’s no way you can buy that over the counter. Christ. I want to look away but I can’t.”

Shop owner Tom Booker said: “Seen something that takes your fancy? We’ve got a special room upstairs where you can be alone with the models. Cash only. Strictly no touching.”

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Middle-aged mum in new relationship distressingly keen to tell you about her sex life

A MIDDLE-AGED mum who recently met someone new online is horrifically enthusiastic about telling her children how satisfying her sex life is.

Carolyn Ryan joined a dating website aimed at older people and has been graphically describing the rampant, experimental sex she has been having with her new lover.

Son Oliver Ryan, aged 26, said: “It’s weird enough thinking about your mum having sex with your dad, so I definitely don’t want to imagine her going at it hammer and tongs with a retired bank manager called Brian.

“Does she really have to share it with me by calling to tell me not to forget to come for dinner on Sunday and also that they did it three times last night, which would have been four if Brian hadn’t had to stop and take his angina pills?

“She went on to say they were planning a trip to Ann Summers that afternoon, so they could buy a pair of crotchless knickers and some love eggs. I’m pleased she’s happy, but her happiness makes me wish I was an orphan.”

Carolyn Ryan said: “Poor Oliver is just jealous because I’ve done the reverse double penetration cowgirl and he hasn’t.”