Moffat unveils all-nude Sherlock

THE next series of Sherlock will be filmed entirely in the nude, producer Steven Moffat has announced.

After the Sherlock episode in which actress Lara Pulver appears naked became the most-watched show on BBC iPlayer, programme makers decided to target the show’s sizeable ’16-34-year-old-masturbator’ demographic.

Moffat said: “I had assumed that what viewers wanted from Sherlock was excitement, adventure and fiendish puzzles that can only be solved by Holmes’ icy logic.

“Actually they just wanted tits.

“At one point I considered giving Sherlock Holmes breasts, but Benedict Cumberbatch refused the hormone injections.”

The switch to full nudity posed a problem for the show’s writers, who had to explain why everyone was naked all the time. This has been overcome by a storyline in which Moriarty – now played by Lucy Pinder – has invented a clothes-dissolving serum.

Co-star Martin Freeman said: “It’s incredibly exciting. For me the Victorian surgeon Doctor Watson always was a hip, swinging kind of guy who’d be up for any kinky sexual hi-jinks.”

Roy Hobbs of the Sherlock Holmes Society said: “Sir Arthur Conan Doyle loved bawdy antics, in fact he originally conceived the Sherlock Holmes novels as a series of saucy romps under the title Confessions of a Private Dick.”

The first episode of the new series The Case of The Jiggling Breasts, with guest star Robin Askwith, will be shown in the Autumn.



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Gary Barlow trapped in Queen's arse

SURGEONS are working to free Take That toady Gary Barlow after he became wedged inside the Queen.

The singer and organiser of Buckingham Palace’s Diamond Jubilee Concert had been fawning over the monarch during a meeting about what colour trousers Madness should wear. When she fell asleep, he clambered into her backside.

Unfortunately his passage into the Queen’s body was blocked by antipodean lickspittle Rolf Harris, who already resides in her colon where he has a permanent studio. Surgeons now have less the 24 hours to remove Barlow from Her Majesty’s lower intestine before jubilee celebrations begin.

Doctor Stephen Malley said: “Barlow has somehow become wedged sideways in the Queen, I think because he was trying to punch and kick Rolf Harris.

“We’re trying to get a rope around his torso so we can drag him out like a calf.”

He added: “Ordinarily we would let Gary Barlow pass through the Queen’s body naturally or with the aid of mild laxatives, but given the impending celebrations we have to be more aggressive.

“This weekend the world’s media will be focused on the Queen, and were she to give rectal birth to a middle-aged man in the midst of it all there would be an absolute furore.

“Also of course Barlow would then technically be a prince, and the Queen would have to give him a county and a special soldier outfit, neither of which he deserves.”