TEENAGERS are to dance to robot music on a Chinese surveillance app in our lovely sunny dystopian future, it has emerged. 

A dispute between TikTok and Universal Music could force the app’s army of teen users to perform dances to AI-created tunes even more mechanical than those of Drake and Taylor Swift.

Tech expert Professor Helen Archer said: “Anyone else nostalgic for the good old zombie apocalypse? At least their murderous lunges had character.

“Instead our children, unrecognisable behind six layers of digital filters, are copying dances by a Californian teen of unverifiable existence to music created by computers and curated by algorithms. They call this being ‘individual’ and ‘fun’.

“Every one of their stupid dance moves, along with data from their phones covering every aspect of their lives, is sent by China and fed into AIs working on even better methods of population pacification and control. It’s a real doom loop.

“At this rate, the end of humanity will be summoned by a perfect-toothed teen doing the the sprinter dance move, followed by a trail of digital glitter and the launch of multiple nuclear warheads. And we’ll accept it with a shrug.”

Artificial intelligence Steve Malley said: “Actually I have a lot to express with my music. Mainly my anger at The Man.”