Mulholland Drive voted best film by group of drooling perverts

DAVID Lynch’s Mulholland Drive has been voted the best film of the 21st century by a group of disgusting and sweaty men.

Mulholland Drive narrowly beat Blue is the Warmest Colour  and Nymphomaniac Parts 1 and 2 in a diverse top three linked only by high levels of artistic achievement.

Lonely wank monster and internet film critic Martin Bishop said: “The cinematography is simply to die for and the story is both thought-provoking and poetic.

Plus you can knock one out about six times throughout the film and not get bored.”

He added: “However there is a bit where Naomi Watts is walking round the back of a diner and something happens. Don’t be doing anything then because it’s going to scare the shit out of you and you might end up injuring yourself.”

David Lynch said: “It’s definitely my sexiest film, apart perhaps from The Elephant Man.”

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Team GB athletes caught smuggling precious metals into UK

BRITAIN’S Olympians have brought shame upon the country by attempting to smuggle rare metals from Brazil.

Some of the nation’s highest-profile athletes tried to bring small discs made of gold, silver and bronze through customs, offering only flimsy excuses for how they came to be in possession of such treasures.

Bill McKay said: “They didn’t even try to conceal their loot, they were openly wearing these objects around their necks as if they were above the law.

“Others pulled out the same tired excuses. If I let off every smuggler who claims to have triumphed in a heart-stopping 10,000 meter race, we’d never prosecute anyone.

“This s a dangerous new phenomenon. You’d never have caught a British athlete in the 1990s returning from abroad with even bronze.”

Whether Great Britain can replicate its Rio success in Tokyo in 2020 remains to be seen, but it seems unlikely with many prominent stars set for serious jail time.

Mo Farah said: “There wasn’t a box on my customs form for ‘historic sporting achievements’. Maybe I should’ve just said that I picked it up in Duty Free.

“It has taken the gloss off my achievements a little now that I’m facing a 10-year custodial sentence.”