Man back from holiday furious at his lazy past self

A MAN has returned to the office furious at how much work was left undone by his lazy bastard self from a fortnight ago. 

Data manager Nathan Muir has spent the day cursing the shiftless idiot sat in his desk two weeks earlier who had no consideration for his poor innocent self.

He continued: “I can’t believe how irresponsible that dick was.

“Now if that was me, knowing I had a break coming, I like to think I’d have really got my head down and cleared my desk, done my future self a favour.

“But instead the idle bugger sat about ignoring emails and deadlines, leaving a browser history full of Portuguese golf courses and scuba-diving trips.

“Now I’ll be working until 7pm every night this week ruining all the beneficial effects of a perfectly lovely holiday.”

He added: “And I’ve only got home-made sandwiches for lunch, because that selfish sun-tanned twat from last week blew my wages in beachfront bars.

“Bollocks to it, I’m putting a Nando’s on the credit card. That knobhead in the future can pay.”


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Mothers don’t need money because they have the joy of children

MOTHERS do not mind earning a third less because having children is so wonderful, a report has found. 

Following research that shows the gender pay gap widens after motherhood, the Institute for Fiscal Studies concluded that it does not matter because children are all the reward a mother needs.

Dr Julian Cook said: “We haven’t spoken to mums but we looked at their Facebooks and apparently raising kids is the most glorious, precious thing in the world, so why would they want anything else?

“Women don’t need material goods once they’ve been given the gift of motherhood, unlike fathers who still need jobs so they can buy gadgets.

“It’s them we should feel sorry for really, poor dads unable to open their hearts to this blessing because of their hunger for money.”

Mary Fisher of Leicester said: “I don’t mind putting up with my pay being lower than everyone else’s because work gets me away from the kids.”