Mum decides to be famous millionaire children’s book author

A MUM has inspired dread in everyone she knows by announcing that she has written a children’s picture book and is going to get it published.

Emma Bradford spent two whole hours working on the text of Tinky and the Tiny Fairy after making it up for her kids one evening while pissed on a couple of glasses of wine.

Bradford said: “I’ve always fancied being famous and incredibly rich, like JK Rowling and all those other fabulously wealthy children’s authors. I’m sure there are some.

“I just need to get an agent and a publisher, which should be a piece of piss. It’s just sending a couple of emails, right? I’ve no doubt the offers will come rolling in.

“And I’ve also contacted my husband’s cousin, who is a professional book illustrator. She’s doing ok already, but when she reads Tinky, she’ll jump at the opportunity to go stratospheric.

“I’m looking forward to the champagne launch party and bookshop tour, before Warner Brothers snap up the film rights. That will all happen before Christmas, I reckon.”

Children’s book author Carolyn Ryan said: “I make about two grand for a year’s work if I’m lucky. If she wants to get rich quick, I recommend stacking shelves.”

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The patriarchy and other things progressive young people assume you haven't heard of

YOUNG liberals are much more progressive than you because they’re experts in these things, which they arrogantly assume you’ve never heard of:

The patriarchy

Are you, an adult with a lot more hours on the clock, aware that society affords men certain advantages? In the eyes of a progressive young person the answer is: absolutely not. Because if you were then surely you would have destroyed the patriarchy by now rather than going to work or watching football. They reckon you’re lazy, and not that societal change only happens by tiny, very slow increments.

Nuclear disarmament 

Gen Z are living in the shadow of nuclear conflict and think you don’t understand their fear. However, when you tell them you grew up during the Cold War they say it’s boring and irrelevant because it happened in the old days. Then they hear ‘Two Tribes’ by Frankie Goes To Hollywood and act like they’ve just discovered this amazing band no one has ever heard of, the idiots.

Cultural appropriation

Exploiting other cultures is wrong. As far as human decency goes, that’s a pretty basic message to internalise. So much so that you processed it ages ago and have moved onto more tricky things like ‘how the f**k am I going to pay my energy bill’. Left-wing students will make a similar transition once they enter the job market.


Why can’t the older generation understand that the traditional heteronormative style isn’t the only way to be in a relationship? Well, the thing is that they do, and are happy for people to get on with it, but don’t feel the need to set up a TikTok channel called ‘Pretty Poly’ where they drone on endlessly about their tedious lifestyle choices.

Climate change

You don’t have to glue yourself to a road to let people know you’re aware of climate change. Most people show their concern for the planet by quietly worrying, nodding mournfully when David Attenborough lectures them at the end of Frozen Planet II, and voting for a political party that can actually make a difference with legislative change.