Mum wondering if she is to blame for Edinburgh show

CONCERNED mum Donna Sheridan is wondering what she did to inspire her daughter’s angst-ridden, sexually explicit Edinburgh show.

The one-woman show Fucking and Dying has left Sheridan baffled by how she failed to notice her daughter Lucy’s apparently normal life was in fact an existential ordeal.

Sheridan said: “The play opens with Lucy as a child shouting ‘Why won’t anyone listen to me?’ about 20 times, which came as a surprise because she had lots of friends at school and played Mary in the fifth-form production of Jesus Christ Superstar.

“Then there’s a confusing bit where she puts on different voices and gets really angry about the environment, racism and oppression. Maybe it’s because we wouldn’t let her get her ears pierced when she was 12.

“But what really shocked me was when she used the most disgusting swear words to talk about private sex things. Her father and I don’t talk like that, so she must have got it from the builders who did the conservatory.”

Sheridan was particularly shocked by a song called Throw Me in the Sex Bin, which addresses issues of globalisation using highly graphic mime and nudity

She said: “I don’t know where it all went wrong. I worked nights to pay for those oboe lessons, and then she just give it up before she even got to Grade One.

“Maybe I should do a show next year called Ungrateful Slut Daughter.”

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Corbyn actually just very keen on the 80s

‘RADICAL’ Jeremy Corbyn is actually just an 80s obsessive who wants to change Starbust back to Opal Fruits, it has emerged.

Corbyn said: “People have characterised me as some kind of Marxist, but the whole thing with renationalising stuff is just because I’m obsessed with the 80s in a fun, kitschy way. You should see my house, it’s full of old arcade machines.

“Any ‘politics’ is just a vehicle for promoting retro lifestyle. I love Only Fools and Horses, I wear deeley-boppers around the house and I’m totally mad for unelected union leaders attempting to bring down democratic governments.

“Oh, and I can get to level 256 on Pac-Man.

Rival Yvette Cooper has responded by condemning outdated 80s revivalism, arguing that only her brand of late 90s revivalism is the future, while Liz Kendall said the only good thing to come out of the 1980s was Thatcher.

Andy Burnham’s camp have refused to confirm rumours that he is to play on his naturally kohled eyes and rich, full lashes to become the UK’s first gender-bending glam rock prime minister.