Music Dead

MILLIONS of pop fans were in shock yesterday as the re-release of Three Lions killed music like a dog in the street.

Musicolgists said the Robbie Williams-Russell Brand assault on all things decent marked the final, degrading act in pop’s turbulent 60 year existence.

Tom Logan, from Reading University, said: “Popular music has been dealt many potentially fatal blows over the years – Buddy Holly’s death, the break-up of The Beatles, ‘H’ leaving Steps.

“But the bestial union of a lumpen, terrace dirge, shouted by some of the most unforgivable celebrities a vindictive gene pool could create, is like standing over a stricken, rabid animal with an automatic pistol and then sending it straight to hell.

“It makes that Sun advert with Terry Venables sound like Rubber Soul.”

Martin Bishop, director of the Royal College of Pop, said: “Just a few months ago I thought the end had come when I saw Lady Gaga acting like an ADD transsexual impersonating Cyndi Lauper. But this is it. This is fucking it.”

He added: “I’d like to be the first to come out and say what everyone else is thinking – this is entirely the fault of Frank Skinner.

“When everyone was giggling away at Fantasy Football without really knowing why, I was sitting there thinking, ‘he’s the one, he is the beast who is going to kill everything that matters’. All that was required was for that song to wait for Russell Brand and Robbie Williams to come along.

“As Confucius once said ‘be careful what you wish for, motherfuckers’.”


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Doctor Who Fans To Leave Their Houses

DOCTOR Who fans across Britain are facing the prospect of leaving their homes and talking to other people.

As plans were announced for a stage version of the cult TV show, experts called for a series of ‘half-way houses’ to be set up so that vulnerable fans could be eased gently into the community.

Professor Henry Brubaker, of the Institute for Studies, said: “I think they would need at least a week of gradual acclimatisation, perhaps involving brief chats with friendly postmen or taxi drivers.”

But terrifyingly excited Whovianist Wayne Hayes insisted he could probably leave his house right now, adding: “This is going to be just like the time the Doctor faced the Xkrfgans in series nine, only with a lot more embarrassed mumbling and visible erections.”

Although the shows will sell out within hours of going on sale, it is likely many fans may still not attend and will instead wait until the performance is due to start and then climb into the attic and rock back and forth while staring at their ticket with a torch.

Producer Steven Moffat said: “It will be a great day out for thousands of men in their mid-thirties, especially if they can get their mums to pick them up afterwards.

“As well as the big scary bits they’ve come to expect from the show, there’s going to be the added terror of coming face to face with people who don’t work in Forbidden Planet. To be honest, I’m just amazed they have jobs and money.”

Moffat also confirmed that new assistant Amy Pond, played by Karen Gillan, will not appear in the show because the budget would not cover the the construction of a 200ft wide, perspex anti-ejaculation screen.

He added: “We spoke to Karen about this and she pointed out that while her life plan included playing Doctor Who’s assistant and having a successful career as a respected actress, it did not include being gawped at by misfits for two hours and ending up with a face like a plasterer’s radio.”