Miliband Pissed The Bed When He Was 15, Says Other Miliband

LABOUR leadership challenger Ed Miliband pissed the bed when he was 15, David Miliband said yesterday.

At the official launch of his leadership campaign Mr Miliband said his parents had to throw out his younger brother’s mattress because it was so completely saturated with urine.

He told supporters in his South Shields constituency: “While we felt really sorry for him, we simply could not believe the sheer quantity he had produced.

“He must have been pissing non-stop for about an hour. His teddy bear was absolutely soaked.

“My parents were a bit annoyed because that mattress was only a couple of years old. They’d had to buy a new one after the ‘3am diarrhea incident’. Sorry, did I not mention that?”

Calling for the party to move on from the New Labour era, Mr Miliband added: “And of course to save us from having to buy yet another mattress, he had to sleep on top of a rubber sheet. In fact I’m pretty sure he still does.

“But despite his horrible, horrible problem, I’m sure Ed would be a brilliant Labour leader – and ultimately prime minister of this country – as long as he doesn’t have to make any decisions, because that does tend to be what triggers it off.

“And, at the end of the day, he’s my brother, I love him dearly and I’d hate to see him standing outside Number 10, clutching his teddy bear with piss gushing out the bottom of his trousers.”

Last night a source close to Ed Miliband insisted his brother would also make a brilliant Labour leader as long as everyone was okay with the fact that he spent most of 1983 in the downstairs toilet with a tube sock and a picture of David Hasselhoff.


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One Woman's Week: Viva El Cleggo!

By Karen Fenessey

AS gripping as I found the election campaign, I am awfully relieved it’s all over and I can get back to my life. It must be simply wonderful to be a new MP turning up at the Houses of Parliament, much like Melanie Griffith at the end of the 80s tour de force, Working Girl. I must admit I turned down the BBC’s Laura Kuennsberg and blasted a few rounds of Carly Simon’s The New Jerusalem over their coverage just so I could really feel like I was there.

Normally, I wouldn’t dream of telling anyone how I voted, but… it was Lib Dem! (Didn’t everyone?) Like you, I was so impressed at Nick’s charming performances on the TV, plus, he’s married to a Spaniard and has three Spanish kids (I actually cried at the bit where she got stranded in Spain because of the ash). Nick, like some kind of handsome matador, is getting out there, grabbing the bull by its sweaty, continental horns and really getting involved with and married to ethnic minorities.  Having seen the disturbing Iberian flick, The Orphanage, I can tell you – that man is taking one for the team.

Yes, I’m thrilled with our new government and I’m glad Gordon Brown has taken his silly wig and glass eyes back to Scotland where they belong. His talk of making a deal with Scottish and Welsh nationalists was incredibly worrying for me. How alarming that so many of them voted Labour – an English institution. They really are self-haters . My boyfriend has had root canal five times and I have a beautiful singing voice so we know exactly what it’s like for them. And I think it’s fair to say I’m a self hating Scot even if I’m not Scottish.

Nevertheless, the last thing our parliament needs is more terrorists babbling nonsense at Prime Minister’s questions. Nick is better than that – he’s got a head for business and a bod for sin. You can bet he’s hard at work as we speak, using his head and bod to organise all my massive tax rebates.


I think it’s wonderful Lily Allan has decided to get married to her coffin-dodging dream guy. Some people say he’s a ‘dirty old fucker’ or that she’s a ‘deranged necrophiliac’ but not me. People go all dewy eyed at Romeo and Juliet even though they were aged 12 and 13 and, while it’s not exactly the same thing, Lily’s tragedy is far more romantic and probably more suitable for inclusion on the GCSE English syllabus. 


How wonderful that Ed and Dave Miliband are doing some bro on bro action in time for the Labour leadership elections. The public really got behind Jedward so Dedward will have their work cut out if they are to capture our hearts. I, for one, really hope they win.