England Win At Children's Version Of Cricket

ENGLAND cricket fans were celebrating last night as the national side
won a version of the game developed especially
for children.

Paul Collingwood’s team took the Twenty20 World Championship after beating a clearly confused Australian squad by seven wickets, 18 balls, half a litre of Diet Coke and a bag of Jenga blocks.

Australian captain Michael Clarke said: “We were knocking it over the boundary as usual, when Collingwood shouted ‘donkey hats are wild!’ and then rubbed some mango syrup into his legs.

“I asked the umpire what was going on and after consulting the rule book, which had obviously just been written in biro on the back of a till receipt, it appeared we had committed a ‘Triple Lohan’ and forfeited the match.”

The shortened version of the game was invented in 2003 to convince the under 12s that cricket was not just for elderly homosexuals and dysfunctional Yorkshiremen.

But ECB officials soon realised the new format could deliver first class international victories as each game would be finished long before the traditional English test collapse.

Over the years the hip and exciting rules have been adapted to include new features such as the Wheel Of Runs, The Hawaiian Stump’n’Slide and Pick-a-Card-Any-Card umpiring.

England fan Charlie Reeves said: “We are – in certain circumstances and conditions – the champions! We are – in certain circumstances and conditions – the champions!”

 

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Tax Hit Middle Class Threatens Widespread Passive-Aggression

BRITAIN’S middle classes are threatening all-out passive-aggression if the government raises tax on all the nice things they like.

Mixed cases of New World white, novels abut Afghanistan and that fancy European bread with the bits in it are among a wide range of consumer goods facing price hikes under plans to slash the budget deficit using middle class self-satisfaction.

Meanwhile ministers also want to send a message to the skilled working and aspirational lower-middle classes with new levies on timber decking, weekend carveries at slightly upmarket chain pubs and the Mail on Sunday.

Martin Bishop, an NHS administrator from Hatfield, said: “All the people I’ve spoken to at work, particularly those like me on grade 5D or above, are really fed up at the prospect of having to shop in Morrisons. So – get this – we’re planning to start taking our full, one hour lunch breaks.

“Up until now most of us would only have taken 45 minutes to grab a sandwich and look at Facebook, or maybe order a nice rug from John Lewis.

“And of course the beauty of it is our line manager can’t even say anything, because it’s our legal right. Fuck The Man!

He added: “I should clarify that when I say ‘fuck’ I mean figuratively, as opposed to performing a non-consenting sexually aggressive act, which I would never condone.”

Occupational therapist Nikki Hollis said: “I’ve decided to start drinking unfiltered tap water thereby increasing the risk to my health because of all the nitrates. In many ways I’m exactly the same as a suicide bomber.

“But when the government sticks an extra 2.5% on a Zucchine Funghi from Pizza Express you have to be willing to put yourself in harm’s way.”

She added: “I’ve also posted a snarky message on the Guardian website referring to the Tories as ‘toffee-faced’ and ‘a bit stuck-up’. Admittedly I had meant to write ‘toffee-nosed’ but once it’s up you can’t change it.

“I suppose this means I’m an anarchist now.”