Man Loses Job For Saying Russians Are Corrupt

A MAN lost his job last night for claiming that Russians love bribing people.

David Triesman was forced to resign as chairman of the Football Association and England’s 2018 World Cup bid for saying something that experts have officially recognised as a fully qualified  replacement for the Pope-Catholic/Bear-Having-a-Shit paradigm.

Professor Henry Brubaker of the Institute for Studies, said: “Given the ongoing destruction of bear habitats and the fact that the Pope is mentally incompetent, we now believe that ‘Do Russians Like Bribery?’ is – in terms of statistical probability – a far more robust proposition.”

He added: “In fact, during that last sentence I received a text message from my opposite number at the Institutski for Studskies offering me £250,000 to shut my face.”

A spokesman for the Russian Football Association said: “I would be to giving you a statement, but most unfortunately I find myself facing some shortness this month in terms of the cash money.

“If we could please be finding your way to handing me nice plastic shopping bag filled with 50,000 dollars American. Also, my wife will be very much requiring to need a ticket to see Mr Michael Bublé at The Royal Albert’s Hall, while my daughter is keen to be enjoying from you a pair of the most groovy blue jeans.”

There are growing fears the Triesman outburst could scupper England’s World Cup bid, while experts warned that the Russians would now be forced to double the size of their bribes.

But a senior Fifa insider stressed: “If I was English I’d worry a bit less about some puffed up little bureaucrat trying to impress his latest hump and a bit more about the fact that your country is still full of morons who love to get pissed and knock the shit out of foreigners.”

Tom Logan, football corruption analyst at Donnelly-McPartlin, said: “The key mistake Lord Triesman made was accusing the Spaniards of bribery. What he should have said was, ‘the Russians are bribing the referees while the Spaniards are going to stick half a dozen little spears into their backs before thrusting a sword between their shoulder blades in front of a crowd of baying savages who take three days to bring you a cup of coffee when they’re not trying to fuck your wife.

“That would have been absolutely fine.”


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Farmers Using Facebook To Pretend They Have Pointless Office Jobs

THOUSANDS of farmers are using Facebook to play a game where they pretend to work in an office and spend all day doing nothing and talking out of their arse.

OpenplanofficeVille is the latest virtual reality craze, with many farmers claiming it helps them introduce their children to a world they would never normally encounter unless they all went for a relatively short drive in the car.

After opening their ‘office’ the player creates a customizable ‘avatar’ and then uses ‘office coins’ to buy pens, post-it notes, staplers and some nice chocolate biscuits on a Friday afternoon.

There are six groups of desks where the player is able to plant a variety of unproductive tasks, mind-buggeringly inane conversation topics and stray pieces of idle, vicious gossip about colleagues who are already teetering on the brink of mental collapse.

Stephen Malley, who farms 300 acres of arable and a small organic dairy herd near Peterborough said: “Groups 1 and 2 are mainly stupid bitches who go on and on and on about any shit that crosses their minds. There’s also a gayboy in there. I’m giving them irritable bowel syndrome one by one.

“Groups 3 and 4 are mostly men who, in between short bursts of pointlessly competitive actual work, talk about footballers and whether they are good at football or not. During the summer they talk about cricketers. I’m giving them testicular cancer one by one.

“Group 5 is some more stupid bitches who spend all day sending each other those emails where you have to make a wish and then send it on to the next person or something either will or will not happen. I’m going to fatten them up with Friday biscuits and then harvest their organs.

“And Group 6 is where the virtual me sits quietly, surrounded by people I want to kill while playing a game on Facebook where I pretend to be a farmer.”

He added: “I’ve got 1.5m experience points and 850,000 coins which I am going to use to set-up airless, windowless open plan offices in every major city in the world, filled with vacant bitches, tedious bastards and dark, silent, homicidal versions of myself.”

He added: “My only worry is that because I am actually a farmer I’ll eventually try to cut costs by making them eat each other and it will cause some awful disease that will wipe out the entire population of my virtual word.

“But at least I’ll have all that pretend money.”