A MAN lost his job last night for claiming that Russians love bribing people.
David Triesman was forced to resign as chairman of the Football Association and England’s 2018 World Cup bid for saying something that experts have officially recognised as a fully qualified replacement for the Pope-Catholic/Bear-Having-a-Shit paradigm.
Professor Henry Brubaker of the Institute for Studies, said: “Given the ongoing destruction of bear habitats and the fact that the Pope is mentally incompetent, we now believe that ‘Do Russians Like Bribery?’ is – in terms of statistical probability – a far more robust proposition.”
He added: “In fact, during that last sentence I received a text message from my opposite number at the Institutski for Studskies offering me Â£250,000 to shut my face.”
A spokesman for the Russian Football Association said: “I would be to giving you a statement, but most unfortunately I find myself facing some shortness this month in terms of the cash money.
“If we could please be finding your way to handing me nice plastic shopping bag filled with 50,000 dollars American. Also, my wife will be very much requiring to need a ticket to see Mr Michael BublÃ© at The Royal Albert’s Hall, while my daughter is keen to be enjoying from you a pair of the most groovy blue jeans.”
There are growing fears the Triesman outburst could scupper England’s World Cup bid, while experts warned that the Russians would now be forced to double the size of their bribes.
But a senior Fifa insider stressed: “If I was English I’d worry a bit less about some puffed up little bureaucrat trying to impress his latest hump and a bit more about the fact that your country is still full of morons who love to get pissed and knock the shit out of foreigners.”
Tom Logan, football corruption analyst at Donnelly-McPartlin, said: “The key mistake Lord Triesman made was accusing the Spaniards of bribery. What he should have said was, ‘the Russians are bribing the referees while the Spaniards are going to stick half a dozen little spears into their backs before thrusting a sword between their shoulder blades in front of a crowd of baying savages who take three days to bring you a cup of coffee when they’re not trying to fuck your wife.
“That would have been absolutely fine.”