READING Festival regulars heartbroken at its cancellation are to recreate it at home by turning their gardens into pits of mud, urine and fighting bikers.
The festival, famous for headline performances by easy-listening acts such as Nirvana and Black Sabbath, will be replicated in miniature by fans making back gardens into a cross between a prison riot and the Somme.
Steve Malley said: “Reading’s just got this vibe, you know? Of extreme squalor and random acts of terrifying violence.
“It wouldn’t feel the same without limping into September with ears ringing from Rage Against The Machine’s set, covered in mud and shit, with two fractured ribs and a black eye. So we’re doing it all at home.
“We’ve installed a shit trench, massive speakers are blasting out clashing guitar bands, the wife’s charging £14 for a foul burger and I’ve invited round every nutter I know.
“Davey who’s on the pills, Nige and his biker mates, Pigshead from the local who likes a punch-up and every goth hoodie in 20 miles. It’s going to be a f**king nightmare.
“Pissing strictly in bottles. No exceptions for women.”