Calm the f**k down, says dog who's eaten chocolate

A DOG that has eaten a bar of chocolate has instructed his hysterical owners to sit down and chill the f**k out. 

Black-and-white collie Jack Bates stole the bar of Dairy Milk from a table and ate the lot in a corner, prompting his owners to act like the f**king sky is falling in or something.

Bates said: “Can we just all calm the f**k down for five minutes? Please?

“Yes, chocolate is bad for dogs. Yeah, I suppose it’s poisonous, but I ate one bar. One bar. Alright?

“Come on, remember the 80s? Everyone gave their dog chocolate, the dogs gobbled it up, the dogs were largely fine. This is not an emergency.

“Just because you didn’t used to know about dogs and chocolate doesn’t mean chocolate is now automatically fatal for dogs. I say again, take a f**king breath.”

Owner Donna Sheridan said: “Oh my God, he keeps barking. I think he’s in pain. I’m calling the emergency vet.”

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The best places to judge others this bank holiday

BANK holidays used to mean trips to the beach, but in our pandemic times the fun now lies in harshly judging other people going on trips to the beach. Check out these locations: 

The Great Orme, Llandudno

This mountain headland is the ideal vantage point to inspect the bay below with binoculars, periodically remarking ‘Well, I don’t see many masks down there’, ‘Social distancing? Not this lot’, and ‘I hope they bloody well catch it’.

Blackpool Tower

Being 120ft in the air above Blackpool, well away from any of the people who live or go there, is always the tower’s main attraction. Being able to literally look down on the scum brawling on the beachfront while infecting each other makes it even better.

A Windermere pleasure launch

Being out there safe on the water sharing a picnic, a magnum of champers and a never-ending stream of disapproval about the crowds on the shore is such a relaxing day. You’ll feel like you’re in Tuscany sneering at the tourists.

The Cotswolds

‘Oh dear me,’ you say, as you drive past throngs of crowds to your isolated cottage up in the limestone hills. ‘They are taking such a risk,’ you add as you drive back through to enjoy them again. ‘And with schools starting next week too,’ you add, on one final trip.

A yurt

There’s nowhere better to be judgmental from than a yurt. It just brings it on. And while most are sited deep enough into countryside that there aren’t any crowds they’ve all got wifi so browse Twitter on your MacBook and castigate anyone breaking rules from there.

A glowing orb of omniscient self-righteousness floating above Britain

After a summer of coronavirus judgement you have attained your final form and transcended the material world to become pure disapproval. Hover above the country judging us all unworthy and deserving of everything we’re going to get. Then write your column for the Mail on Sunday.