Horrible little bastard just being 'assertive', say parents

A COUPLE whose daughter terrorises their home with screaming tantrums have congratulated themselves on raising an assertive, confident child.

Oliver and Joanna O’Connor are convinced that daughter Sophie’s habit of lying on the floor shrieking until she gets her own way is proof she has a bright future ahead.

Oliver O’Connor said: “By taking charge of every situation with a combination of tears and violence, Sophie is proving that she is developing strong communication skills.

“And yelling ‘Stop talking daddy!’ and kicking me in the shins while I’m on an important work call might seem like bad behaviour, she’s actually just clearly stating her needs.

“Her nursery teacher is concerned that trying to drown other kids during wet play is a sign of developing psychopathy rather than an indication of her natural leadership skills, but we’ve agreed to disagree on that one.”

Nursery teacher Nikki Hollis said: “We haven’t agreed to disagree. I’m just keeping quiet because I’m scared she might try to drown me next.”

Your dad's guide to autumn fashion

ALRIGHT kiddo, it’s Dad. I know you wanted a new coat but we’re saving for a hot tub to spice up our sex life. How about fashion tips from your old man instead?

Shorts

Shorts are a year-round fashion staple. If the hair on your shins doesn’t keep you warm enough then you should go and see a doctor. I haven’t worn a pair of trousers since my last job interview in 1998, and even then the man interviewing me said I was overdressed.

Rugby shirt to a formal gathering

Nothing says ‘dressed to impress’ like the cotton-polyester blend of a 2003 England rugby shirt. I dig mine out for birthdays and Christmas, or that one time that I wore it to your graduation. If it’s a really posh do, I’ll wear a tie with it, which doesn’t look weird at all.

Texaco garage fleece

Who needs a proper coat when a fleece is appropriate in every type of weather from pleasantly mild to freezing blizzard? And it’s even better if you spent months saving up tokens to send off for a free one. You really appreciate it then.

Speedos

Your mother and I are planning a staycation in Great Yarmouth in October. I’ll packing my Speedos just in case of a dip in the North Sea, and if it’s cold I’ll just inexplicably cover bits of me in Vaseline. I will then put a towel down in the car and drive home with no t-shirt on. Your mum likes it.

Whatever mum buys

Sod it, it’s not worth the argument.