Camping is loads of fun, and other lies told by your parents

LIFE is wonderful, according to the lying twats who raised you. But the bullshit claims they made about how great stuff were all false: 

‘Camping is going to be a lot of fun’

Choosing to spend a week in an uncomfortable temporary shelter is never fun, especially with your parents saying things like ‘There’s nothing like the peaceful silence of nature’ before a wild boar attacks your cool box.

‘Going to the dentist isn’t going to be that bad’

Parents go to great lengths to tells fibs about how having a drill taken to your teeth is absolutely painless, despite not having been to the dentist themselves for two decades because they’re absolutely petrified.

‘We’ll go to Disneyland if you do well at school’

Children will do anything when offered a trip to the Magic Kingdom and are also incredibly gullible. Your parents will feign complete ignorance when you bring it up after finding yourself on a rainy Belgian caravan site instead of Splash Mountain.

You’ll be grateful for it when you’re older’

A favourite parental way to force you into doing things you don’t want to do, like not going out on a school night or learning the oboe. Although they have your best interests at heart, they just end up turning you into a weirdo square with no social skills.

‘The dog went to live on a farm’

If children were capable of critical thinking they would immediately see how strange it is that their beloved pet dog would move from a comfortable suburban home to live on a strange farm. Luckily kids are stupid, and can save this up for a traumatic realisation during adulthood instead.

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Government appoints Harry Maguire as Greek ambassador

IN keeping with its policy of getting the right people for top jobs, the government has appointed Harry Maguire as ambassador to Greece.

The appointment recognises the Manchester United defender’s tact and diplomacy in dealing with the Greek authorities after being arrested following a bar brawl on Mykonos.

Boris Johnson said: “This government has a reputation for getting the best-qualified people for important posts. Mr Maguire stood out in a strong field of candidates, although we didn’t actually interview anyone else, as usual.

“Harry is now well-known to the Greek people, which will be a great help when holding receptions at the British embassy. True, he doesn’t have any relevant experience but he’s probably seen the Ferrero Rocher adverts.

“His command of the Greek language is excellent, enabling him to order beers without difficulty. Let’s face it, he’s as well-qualified for his new job as Gavin Williamson or Dido Harding.” 

Maguire will be paid £190,000 a week to match his salary at Manchester United, but Johnson said this was justified due to his heading abilities against Sweden in the 2018 World Cup.

He added: “He’ll be fine. The role of British ambassador to Greece these days is just to support Brexit and tell them they can go whistle for the Elgin Marbles.”