My Edinburgh diary, by Jerry Sadowitz

LOOKS like my Edinburgh Fringe show’s been cancelled after one gig. But that means I’ve got time to share my Edinburgh memories and recommendations for visitors.

The Pleasance

A familiar venue, although this year was my shortest run, ie. one gig. Something to do with exposing myself and a racial term, apparently. Compared to middle class student twats doing a hip-hop version of Look Back in Anger, looking at my wrinkly cock is grade-A entertainment, frankly.

Funny Har Har!

A venue now sadly closed. I had a wonderful run there in 1987 with a show that featured 105 minutes of furious abuse of Princess Di, Norman Tebbit and Jimmy Savile and five minutes of card tricks. Contained the classic joke ‘Savile’s an evil bastard kiddy fiddler who needs locking up’. Okay, maybe not that hilarious with hindsight, but still funnier than Michael McIntyre.

The sights of Scotland

When you’re not performing there’s loads to visit, even for a Scot like me. There’s Edinburgh Castle, The Royal Mile, and the Harry Potter magical guided walking tour. I regret going on that, because I discovered too late I’m not into snotty little f**king public school bastards loved by f**king tragic child-adults who can’t cope with f**king reality.

The Stand

Another renowned venue, and the unfortunate scene of me getting punched onstage in 2014. All I’d done was use the entirely inoffensive line: ‘The entire Scotch nation are inbred Buckfast-swigging scum who shag their mums but really want to be bummed by George Osborne.’

Morningside Soft Play Centre

How was I to know a children’s play centre would not be an appropriate venue for my 1991 magic show, ‘Paul Daniels is a F**king Midget Cocksucker’? The five-year-olds loved the magic and learned lots of new words. Just goes to show, parents don’t always know what’s best for their kids.

The Gilded Balloon

Legendary stand-up venue, with appearances by Peter Kay, Dylan Moran and Johnny Vegas, to name but a few. Sadly I was asked to find a different venue for my own show after explaining I would be removing a large Margaret Thatcher doll from my dilated anus, while encouraging the audience to chant, ‘Maggie Maggie Maggie, out out out!’

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Are you stupid enough to be nostalgic for Boris Johnson?

MANY Tory grassroots members wish lazy, incompetent liar Boris Johnson could continue as PM. Do you share their inexplicable nostalgia? Take our test and find out if you are very stupid.

What do you think of Boris Johnson as a person?

A) All the evidence suggests he’s an egotist who uses other people, and has very little respect for women.

B) He’s a lovely, dependable family man with a pretty young wife. He was going to build a treehouse for Wilf, and not many dads can say they’ve done that. Admittedly someone else would have paid for it and done the work, but he’s very busy.

Do you feel Johnson is preferable to Liz Truss or Rishi Sunak?

A) No way. They’re all bad, but at least Sunak seems vaguely sane.

B) That pair aren’t fit to lick Boris’s shoes. She’s like a brainless rag doll come to life and he’s too smooth for his own good. And Asian. Yes, Boris is the sort of fiercely intellectual but extremely down-to-earth PM we need.

How do you feel Johnson performed during the pandemic?

A) Poorly. The vaccines would have been rolled out anyway, he was reckless about lockdown, and didn’t attend meetings.

B) Boris singlehandedly invented the vaccine – he was there in a laboratory with a lab coat, I saw it – and he showed the snowflakes who’s boss by ending lockdown early. He’s a national hero, like Geoff Hurst or Bomber Harris.

Which of his policies appeal most?

A) He hasn’t got policies. Just dressing up and doing whatever short-term thing is popular, and he spent months not governing at all and just doing damage limitation over Partygate.

B) Of course he’s got highly-detailed policies, like ‘Get Brexit Done’. Or as I interpret it, ‘Kick out the bloody Poles then we can get started on the blacks, Muslims and Jews’. Best policy ever.

Do you find Boris attractive?

A) Good god no. He’s an overweight oaf with a repulsive, arrogant manner.

B) Yes, definitely. He’s clearly in peak physical condition with all that jogging he does, and he’s got that wonderful thick head of blond hair. It’s all mussed-up in a rebellious, roguish way. He’s like a cross between James Dean and Han Solo. Why are you being sick?

Mostly As. You have got the measure of Boris Johnson. Sadly your opinion made not a jot of difference when all the dense Brexit twats voted en masse.

Mostly Bs. You are f**king insane. It’s hard to believe there are human beings so out of touch with reality, but that’s the Tory grassroots for you. You probably think we should send the task force to recapture India and could do with more politicians like Nadine Dorries.