LOOKS like my Edinburgh Fringe show’s been cancelled after one gig. But that means I’ve got time to share my Edinburgh memories and recommendations for visitors.
A familiar venue, although this year was my shortest run, ie. one gig. Something to do with exposing myself and a racial term, apparently. Compared to middle class student twats doing a hip-hop version of Look Back in Anger, looking at my wrinkly cock is grade-A entertainment, frankly.
Funny Har Har!
A venue now sadly closed. I had a wonderful run there in 1987 with a show that featured 105 minutes of furious abuse of Princess Di, Norman Tebbit and Jimmy Savile and five minutes of card tricks. Contained the classic joke ‘Savile’s an evil bastard kiddy fiddler who needs locking up’. Okay, maybe not that hilarious with hindsight, but still funnier than Michael McIntyre.
The sights of Scotland
When you’re not performing there’s loads to visit, even for a Scot like me. There’s Edinburgh Castle, The Royal Mile, and the Harry Potter magical guided walking tour. I regret going on that, because I discovered too late I’m not into snotty little f**king public school bastards loved by f**king tragic child-adults who can’t cope with f**king reality.
Another renowned venue, and the unfortunate scene of me getting punched onstage in 2014. All I’d done was use the entirely inoffensive line: ‘The entire Scotch nation are inbred Buckfast-swigging scum who shag their mums but really want to be bummed by George Osborne.’
Morningside Soft Play Centre
How was I to know a children’s play centre would not be an appropriate venue for my 1991 magic show, ‘Paul Daniels is a F**king Midget Cocksucker’? The five-year-olds loved the magic and learned lots of new words. Just goes to show, parents don’t always know what’s best for their kids.
The Gilded Balloon
Legendary stand-up venue, with appearances by Peter Kay, Dylan Moran and Johnny Vegas, to name but a few. Sadly I was asked to find a different venue for my own show after explaining I would be removing a large Margaret Thatcher doll from my dilated anus, while encouraging the audience to chant, ‘Maggie Maggie Maggie, out out out!’