Nerds fear getting Malcolm Gladwell book for Christmas

NERDS have asked well-meaning relatives not to give them the new Malcolm Gladwell book for Christmas.

The nerds announced that a paperback of David And Goliath would be a worse gift than a Big Bang Theory box set, a Schrödinger’s cat t-shirt or a Dr Dreadful Food Lab edible chemistry set.

Tom Logan, a Physics PhD candidate said “My Mum actually rang me up to tell me about Gladwell’s book. She said ‘It’s about science! You do science!’”

“I’m working on a force and motion project right now, and it would honestly be more helpful if she bought me a Terry’s Chocolate Orange.”

Emma Bradford, the aunt of a computer programmer, said: “Last Christmas we got our nephew a film called Demon Seed about an evil computer that gets Julie Christie pregnant, but I don’t think he liked it that much.

“I thought he might like the Gladwell book because it probably mentions computers and his sort of thing, but he says it’s ‘populist pseudo social science from a media mouthpiece’.

“Maybe it’s about the wrong sort of computers.”

Malcom Gladwell said: “There’s no money at all in writing for the hardcore nerd science market, but once you do a more accessible book their elderly relatives will hear about, you’re quids in.

“I shall be spending Christmas in Antigua, as long as sales projections hold and no-one remembers to ask for gift vouchers.”

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Yahoo unveils plan to make users hate it

YAHOO’S radical new PR strategy involves making all its customers want to strangle it.

The company launched its loathing-based approach to customer relations by making its email service far more awkward to use.

CEO Marissa Mayer said: “Everyone company under the sun has been trying to making its customers love it, no one has done hate yet, this is completely new.

“What I’ve done is taken a service that people really liked and then fucked with it.

“My plan is to take our users down to their base levels of anger and then to build them back up as newer more faithful customers.

“It’s a carrot and stick concept. I came up with it and I get paid loads so it’s definitely a good idea.”

Even self-confessed ‘mild mannered’ members of the public have been whipped into a toxic frenzy of hate by changes to the popular interface.

Yahoo user Derek Gibson said: “I’ve never cared less about polar ice caps melting or human rights abuses, but they’ve taken away the tabs function and I’m too lazy to get a new email account. Now I really want to hurt something.

“I’d send an email to Marissa directly, but currently it’s frozen and I’m trying to switch it back to classic, but my addresses aren’t automatically coming up.

“Oh my god, I hate you Yahoo with every essence of my being.”

Marissa Mayer said: “There’s 240,000,000 users pissed off and ready to go, that’s perhaps the biggest army in the world.

“We could take that anger and, for example, attack Google for not giving me that promotion.”