Emmerdale to become first underwater soap

THE cliffhanger in a flooded cellar on Emmerdale is to launch the soap’s new sub-aquatic era.

Desperate to differentiate itself from rival Coronation Street, waters will continue to rise until all of Emmerdale Farm, and by implication Yorkshire, is submerged.

Producer Eleanor Shaw said: “Murderer Cameron sheds his human skin and becomes a six-foot barracuda.

“He hunts the cast down while they craft makeshift harpoons from farming equipment.

“Meanwhile hotties Priya and Alicia, who’ve been transformed by the deluge into sexy mermaids, make out underwater in slow motion.”

TV blogger Julian Cook said: “It’s the same desperate ploy every soap tries when it’s had its year’s quota of serial killers.

“I admit the reincarnated Seth looks absolutely magnificent with his trademark whiskers stretched across the elongated pectoral fins of a ray, but I predict Emmerdale: Atlantis will last about as long as Brookside in Space.

“Then everyone’ll forget about it, just like they did with Eastenders 1888 with Dirty Den as Jack the Ripper, and the ill-judged Coronation Street XXX hardcore period in the Deep Throat years.

“Oh – and Hollyoaks

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Yeti DNA-tested live on Jeremy Kyle

THE Yeti has appeared on The Jeremy Kyle Show to settle questions of its parentage.

Standing on the opposite side of the studio from a black bear, a polar bear, the American Bigfoot and the Canadian Sasquatch, the Yeti looked nervous as Kyle opened an envelope.

An audience member said: “When Kyle announced that the Yeti was a hybrid of the polar bear and bigfoot, all hell broke loose.

“Sasquatch backhanded Bigfoot across the face for all the years she’d said he was definitely the real dad and the polar bear bit a cameraman.

“Kyle was in the middle howling in delight at the bloodshed, his fangs fully extended.”

Security managed to calm the situation and the polar bear delivered an impassioned monologue about how he’d always known the Yeti was his and how guilty he felt for not being there during his childhood, breaking off only to eat seal guts.

The Yeti was then asked to choose between his biological father and the Sasquatch who raised him, who was swigging Jack Daniels from the bottle and showing girls his tattoos.

Finally Sasquatch stormed off stage back to his lazy, high-altitude life in Tibet.

Kyle said: “We’re hoping for better results next week, when our guest is the Loch Ness monster and I’m asking him when he’s going to stop lying around in freshwater sediment at taxpayers’ expense and get a bloody job.”