Bright poor kids work out they're probably f*cked

MANY poorer pupils are bright enough to understand their own limited prospects, it has emerged.

A new study of social mobility found bright, poor pupils understood their place in the social hierarchy just as well as their public school counterparts.

11-year-old state school pupil Tom Booker said: “I’ve done some research in my spare time, and basically everyone in a position of power seems to have gone to a fee-paying school.

“And our politicians don’t seem clever, in fact they’re dicks, so I guess it is who you know.

“If I bust my arse I might get to be an assistant bank manager, which doesn’t really appeal so I’ll probably get into drugs.”

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I've recently had some unplanned leave and I'm dreading going back

Dear Holly,

I’ve recently had to take some unplanned leave from work, but now I have to go back and I’ve realised I’m dreading it. I’ve become quite fond of my new routine where I rise at 2pm to spend the afternoon watching Food Network in my dressing gown. Things tick by nicely when you’re not in the rat race. How can I get out of work altogether? 

Barack Obama

Washington D.C.

Dear Barack,

Everyone in my class is desperate for the teachers’ strike to go ahead so we all get some free holidays too. But I don’t think teachers are as hard done by as they make out. If they’re not in the staff room drinking coffee, they are sitting at the front of the class watching us kids do all the work. They’re always standing about asking endless, pointless questions, which suggests to me that they’re under-qualified. Some of them are unbelievably dense, for example in maths Mrs Parsley was asking us all about train arrival and departure times and we were all thinking, for God’s sake just get the British Rail App and stop bothering us. If that woman would just invest in a calculator we could all get on with something more constructive.

Hope that helps!