New cafe allows man-children to return to the womb

A NEW cafe in Hackney allows customers to return to pre-birth conditions in special womb-like pods full of amniotic fluid.

The owner of Cafe Foetus believe it gives young urban professionals a deeper and more fulfilling level of infantilisation than other theme cafes with cats and 80s retro cereal.

Customers strip naked, clamber into the pods and assume the foetal position. They are then attached to umbilical cords through which they will be fed selected South American coffees with soya milk.

When they wish to leave, waiters dressed as surgeons and midwives painstakingly induce them from the pods, slapping their bare buttocks when they emerge.

They then settle their £40 bill, plus whatever they spent on coffee. However those opting for the ‘twins’ experience only pay £60 for two.

Web branding consultant and BMX collector Wayne Hayes said: “I enjoyed myself so much in the pseudo-womb that I didn’t want to leave and they had to extract me by Caesarian section. It’s amazing, everyone should do it at least once.”