New cafe allows man-children to return to the womb

A NEW cafe in Hackney allows customers to return to pre-birth conditions in special womb-like pods full of amniotic fluid.

The owner of Cafe Foetus believe it gives young urban professionals a deeper and more fulfilling level of infantilisation than other theme cafes with cats and 80s retro cereal.

Customers strip naked, clamber into the pods and assume the foetal position. They are then attached to umbilical cords through which they will be fed selected South American coffees with soya milk.

When they wish to leave, waiters dressed as surgeons and midwives painstakingly induce them from the pods, slapping their bare buttocks when they emerge.

They then settle their £40 bill, plus whatever they spent on coffee. However those opting for the ‘twins’ experience only pay £60 for two.

Web branding consultant and BMX collector Wayne Hayes said: “I enjoyed myself so much in the pseudo-womb that I didn’t want to leave and they had to extract me by Caesarian section. It’s amazing, everyone should do it at least once.”

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Non-League football best place to meet women

SINGLE women are flocking to non-League football matches in the hope of hooking up with middle-aged men in cagoules.

The development could boost the amateur game, but has met with a mixed response amongst die-hard non-League fans.

Martin Bishop, a groundhopper from Merseyside said: “On Saturday I travelled 14 hours by bus to see Dorking Wanderers v Peacehaven and Telscombe in Ryman Division South only to find Pippa Middleton and her pals had turned up and bought all the programmes.

“Unless you get a programme it doesn’t count, so though she is a good-looking lass with famous buttocks she has rendered my journey fruitless, which is quite annoying.”

Roy Hobbs, from Durham, said: “At Ryton & Crawcrook on Friday Sienna Miller was leaning against the tea stall looking very ‘boho chic’. Somehow she had persuaded the secretary to give her all the team-sheets.

“She said I could have one if I let her buy me a drink in a swanky London cocktail bar, but the date she offered clashed with the extra preliminary round of the FA Cup.”

Actress and self-confessed Hemsworth Miners Welfare FC ‘maniac’, Emma Watson said: “There is something about a man with a thermos flask in a carrier bag that is very romantic and exciting.”

The Harry Potter star added: “I have some photos of Toolsworth NECL Premier Division cornerflags at my flat. Would you like to come up and see them?”