New Call of Duty game to be based on TA

THE new Call of Duty game will focus on the exploits of the Territorial Army, developers have revealed.

In a departure from the usual special forces scenario, players take the role of a part-time soldier whose main job is doing marketing for a bathroom fittings company in Stevenage.

Infinity Ward developer Stephen Malley said: “Our challenge with Call of Duty is to keep each game fresh and different. And you don’t get more different than being a marketing executive called Mike.

“Gameplay accurately mimics Mike’s schedule, with most of your time spent going to meetings and preparing brochures about taps, shower rails and backlit shaving mirrors.

“Key objectives include successful flirtation with female colleagues and convincing Mike’s line manager to let him leave early because he’s got to yomp across Exmoor.

“There’s a also a particularly tough section where Mike has to navigate Spaghetti Junction to get to BathExpo 2013 at Birmingham NEC.

“The military action kicks in at weekends, when Mike attends training camps where he practises marching and goes on field exercises, which culminate in a few pints at a pub.

Gaming journalist Tom Logan said: “The section where you go on a five-mile route march in the Brecon Beacons is so realistic you can practically smell the Savlon you’re putting on a nasty blister.”

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Iain Duncan Smith to stack all those shelves himself

THE Work and Pensions Secretary is to spend the next 4,570 nights stacking shelves at Poundland.

Following a High Court decision that making benefit claimants work for free is unlawful, Duncan Smith is being held personally liable to fulfil contracts made to supply labour.

His first shift began at Poundland in Newcastle-under-Lyme at 10pm yesterday evening, when Duncan Smith was handed a branded tabard and told to “guard it with his life”.

He was then given his first official caution of the night for leaving the Povvos Suck tattoo on his upper arm exposed.

Poundland employee Emma Bradford said: “He was caught curled up trying to sleep on a pallet of cat litter in the back, which is when the manager gave him his second caution.

“Then Iain got put on pricing, and if anything he was even more useless. He wouldn’t stop asking how much everything was.”

A tired-looking Duncan Smith told reporters: “It’s challenging but good breeding is on my side, giving me the height to reach even the top shelf on the notoriously demanding cereals aisle.

“And I categorically deny any suggestion that I was given my third caution at 6am been getting caught smoking a hash pipe with a security guard out by the bins.”