New Glastonbury to have turnip-growing contest and pig races

GLASTONBURY’S new festival the Variety Bazaar will feature large vegetables, a pig race with obstacles and Lady Gaga running a lucky dip. 

The festival, which will take place on Shropshire’s County Fairground and have a strict all-Barbour dress code, is to focus on traditional rural pursuits including falconry and flower arranging.

A spokesman said: “Dizzee Rascal will use his distinctive flow to host a cattle auction, the Kings of Leon will be running a tombola and ‘garden on a plate’ competition, and Lady Gaga has stuffed a bran tub with jewellery and dolls made of meat.

“Radiohead will be leaning on a gate, commenting in broad Oxfordshire accents about how much it’s changed since their day.”

Festival-goer Martin Bishop said: “When you’re wasted, a really large turnip is at least as good as a Beck set. Better.”

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Ask Holly: Looking like a badger entangled in a Laura Ashley sale rail doesn’t mean I’m not a leader

Dear Holly,

I’m getting a lot of stick from the press about my fashion sense, but looking like a disgruntled badger who got entangled in a Laura Ashley sale rail doesn’t mean I’m not able to be a great leader and navigate this country safely through Brexit. Just because I slightly resemble Uncle Bulgaria doesn’t mean I’m a complete womble – why can’t people accept that?



Dear Theresa,

To be honest, I’m not surprised this country is in such a mess, considering we’re being run by a generation of people who grew up thinking it’s perfectly okay for grown man to have a long-term relationship with an abusive emu, that a foolish police detective can fight crime with ridiculous extending arms and legs and that it is perfectly legitimate for a duck to be a well-dressed egotistical vampire whose favourite food is broccoli sandwiches. It wouldn’t surprise me if half the government aren’t waiting for Jamie and his magic torch to come and show them the way out of this mess.

Hope that helps,