Southern Rail threatens return to ‘full service’

SOUTHERN Rail has ominously announced that its dreaded ‘full service’ is set to resume.

Train company bosses are ready to reinstate its much-feared regular service, to the dismay of many passengers.

Commuter Helen Archer said: “When I saw that Southern Rail was returning to ‘full service’ my heart just sank. It’s like being tapped on the shoulder by the grim reaper.

“At least when there’s a strike you know in advance it’s not going to work out. Perhaps they could return to the trains actually fucking working instead, which was probably in about 1967.”

Southern chief executive Charles Horton said: “There have been some changes.

“We will be introducing a policy of stopping for three hours each time the driver sees a cloud, and one passenger per journey will be sacrificed to appease the train god.”