New Top Gear host is KITT from Knight Rider

ARTIFICIAL intelligence KITT from Knight Rider has been named as the new presenter of Top Gear. 

The Knight Industries Two Thousand apparently has the perfect mix of automotive expertise, childish delight in high-speed thrills and political attitudes not updated since the 1980s to appeal to the show’s core audience.

A BBC insider said: “We did focus groups with Top Gear fans to find out more about what kind of people they’d respond most warmly to, and discovered that they don’t like people at all. They like cars.

“Unfortunately Bumblebee from Transformers is concentrating on movies, the General Lee’s in prison for hate crimes and Street Hawk has actually been living on the streets for the last 20 years, but KITT’s got great chemistry with Matt LeBlanc.

“We’ll just have to keep his hi-octane drinking habit a secret from the viewers, and obviously make sure none of his tirades about cheap Japanese imports make the show or it’d be Clarkson all over again.”

Viewer Norman Steele said: “That’s not right. They should have hired a British one, like Supercar.

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'Brexiteer' confirmed as most ludicrous English word so far

‘BREXITEER’ is the most ridiculous English word yet created, experts have confirmed.

The Institute for Studies said that ’Brexiteer’ was more ludicrous than ‘glamping’, ‘velfie’ and ‘starchitect’ and that Britain should be embarrassed and ashamed for allowing the word to exist.

Professor Henry Brubaker said: “If rappers were middle-class white people from the home counties, they would call their kids ‘Brexiteer’.

“As far as we understand ‘Brexiteers’ themselves love the word. Perhaps they like to imagine themselves as ‘buccaneers’, with a cutlass and an earring and a fancy hat.”

With the referendum now over some have questioned whether the word can survive in the long term.

Professor Brubaker added: “I suspect it will live on in Scotland, Liverpool, Manchester and Bristol where it’s already become a visceral term of abuse.”