News Corporation planned adding shark fights to literary classics

RUPERT Murdoch’s Penguin Books buy-out was rejected due to his plans to make literary classic more idiot-friendly.

Publisher Tom Logan said: “When DH Lawrence wrote The Rainbow, I’m sure he didn’t envisage the struggles faced by three generations of Nottinghamshire miners to involve shark fights and ‘soaraway stunners’.”

News Corporation also planned Metamorphosis II, a sequel to Kafka’s classic study of alienation, in which a 200 foot insect man-beetle destroys downtown Prague before being taken out by a ragtag team of wise-talking entomologists.

Murdoch’s Penguin aspirations began after he picked up a copy of Jane Eyre and was surprised to find the third page didn’t feature a picture of Jane with her top off.



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Googly-eyed weirdo 'should only be used when talking about Ed Miliband'

THE term ‘weirdo’ stigmatises mental illness and should only ever be used when talking about the leader of the Labour Party, it has been claimed.

Experts backed Mr Miliband’s call for an end to the trivialising of psychiatric conditions, but said it would still be okay to call him ‘Professor Oddball’.

Dr Emma Bradford said: “When discussing Miliband people will often say he is ‘clearly not right’ or ‘pathetically delusional’ when it’s actually much better to boil it down to a simple, handy phrase. When talking about him in a professional capacity, I use the word ‘fucknut’.”

Martin Bishop, professor of stigmas at Roehamption University, said: “Fucknut, fucknugget, nutjob, freak, fruit-loop, coco-pops, googly-eyed mental case. It’s time to put away these childish terms, except for when Mr Miliband says something after reading a newspaper.”