Nightclubs to trial 'old bastards' nights

NIGHTCLUBS are to trial ‘old bastards’ nights where the music won’t be quite as loud and everyone can leave by half one without being made to feel guilty.

Ancient-looking caners Martin Bishop and Emma Bradford are pioneering the nights where under-40s will be turned away and there is a dedicated ‘sitting down zone’.

Bishop said: “Just because I’m an old bastard that doesn’t mean I don’t like to cut loose every now and take a pathetically small amount of drugs.

“But I also don’t like to be surrounded by 18 year olds who are all able to party all night because they don’t have to worry about cleaning the garage out tomorrow afternoon.”

Bradford added: “I’ll be DJing at the night so the music will be reasonably loud but not so much that you can’t hear yourself think and you’ll know all the words to all the songs that I’ll be playing.

“Nothing after 2005. In fact, when did Gypsy Woman by Crystal Waters come out?

“And we’ll definitely be wrapped up by one as there is a car boot sale I want to go to in the morning.”

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Ask Holly: He remains a blatant ginger

Dear Holly,

If you’ve heard the rumours, you’ll know that Prince Harry and I are very much in love and marriage is on the cards. The only problem is that despite being a rich prince he is also a blatant ginger.

This is a big step for me: betrothing myself to a person who, in some lights, resembles a furry baked bean. I’m not sure the wealth and titles can help me see past those weird orange eyelashes. Should I call it off?


Los Angeles

Dear Meghan,

I’ve got a ginger kitten called Mr Squiggles. He’s very friendly and cuddly and he likes to play. I love Mr Squiggles so much I used to think maybe I would marry him when I am older, even though he is awfully ginger and hairy and almost completely mute, but then I realised he spends an awful lot of time licking his own balls so I decided against taking things any further.

Hope that helps!