Theresa May emails EU citizens with chores rota

THE prime minister has emailed 100,000 EU citizens in the UK to say they can remain in the country if they pitch in with chores. 

The personal email from Theresa May reassures EU residents that they are still welcome guests but if they are going to be here long-term it is about time they did their fair share of jobs.

Romanian tyre-fitter Sergiu Paparude said: “It is quite complicated and she has used all six highlighter colours, but according to this I and my countrymen are required to do the hoovering every third Thursday.

“The Poles have to clean the shower, the Germans sweep the utility room and the Belgians must wash the towels, which come on that does not need doing weekly. That is doing it to make a point.

“I pay taxes like everyone else, I don’t see why I have to spend every Sunday morning dusting light fittings while the Brits sit back and do nothing like they always do.

“Bugger to this. I’m moving out. She can pay bloody rent on her own.”

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Everyone who reviewed product online was talking bollocks

NONE of the 37 people who reviewed a laptop online had the first idea what they were talking about, a man has discovered.

Tom Logan bought a fairly expensive HP Envy laptop on the basis of a consensus of positive reviews that turned out to be written by indiscriminating morons who just like sharing their opinions.

He said: “I basically slapped down the best part of a grand on the advice of a bunch of chatty strangers. And I’m surprised it didn’t work out well?

“My thanks in particular to ‘Connie’, who described it as ‘the best laptop I have ever owned’. Presumably her last laptop was a ZX Spectrum sellotaped to a Etch-a-Sketch.

“I also regret assuming that ‘Alan Benson’ was an expert because he used expressions like ‘absolute beast of a machine’ and ‘superlative Core i5 performance’, when he’s clearly an arse who likes to sound clever on the internet and probably calls LBC to tell the RAF what planes to buy.

“I should have realised they were idiots when I saw the weirdly irrelevant reviews like ‘Great laptop! Matches my sofa perfectly!’

“Though I feel bad for laughing at the one-star review by ‘PrettyKitty’ that said ‘No good. Does not work in bath’. It was the only one that was entirely accurate.”