Nine bands with phenomenally unimaginative names

YOU can call your band anything. You can be poetic, controversial, deep, funny or ironic. Or you can just use the first stupid thing that pops into your head, like these.


That’s how many of them there were. The ‘5’ doesn’t make it cleverer. Plus the 5 looks like an S, not an F, so the name resembles Sieve, which could be a wanky celebrity covers band with Jamie Oliver on drums. Worse, they kept the name after becoming a four-piece, which presumably makes them 4our. Should have just gone for 5hit.

The The

Formed in the 70s, this band, and at times solo performer Matt Johnson, were a double-name act in the era of Talk Talk and Duran Duran. They had some decent tunes, and it wouldn’t have been so bad if they’d been more popular, so the name was shit but you didn’t notice it, like The Beatles. But they never achieved the mainstream success of their fellow double-name bands, or even Mary Mary for that matter.


If you’re going to call your band after a body part why be so predictable? Yes, the heart is associated with love and romance, but so are cock and fanny. Elbow and Wet Leg tried to push the anatomical boat out, so there’s clearly a market for less glamorous areas of the body. Nostril? ‘Duodenum’ sounds quite metal.

The Beat

Being a great ska band The Beat put all their energy into music, not picking a name. Well, let’s hope so. Had they already come up with The Beatles, then had to change it but couldn’t think of another extremely basic piece of musical terminology? Who knows? Sadly, there’s no such excuse for The Chords.


If you’re going to name your band after an exclamation, then at least give some context, like reggae artist ‘Eek-A-Mouse’. How about: ‘A-ha! There are my f**king keys!’ 


How stoned were these prog rock troubadours to think the world’s most common affirmation would be a profound name? Or were they just debating whether to have another spliff? (Yes.) It’s hard to imagine they had a conversation that went: ‘Hey guys, it turns out The Bonzo Dog Doo-Dah Band has already been taken. And Ziggy Stardust And The Spiders From Mars. Looks like it’s back to the drawing board.’

The Band

For a group celebrated with such critical acclaim and allegedly responsible for influencing bands like Pink Floyd, they made a pathetic attempt at naming themselves. In no other sphere of life would such a name be acceptable. How much of a bellend would you sound if someone asked: ‘Who’s your favourite football team?’ and you replied ‘The Football Team’. Or ‘What sort of food do you like?’ and you said ‘I like The Food’.


It shows a shocking lack of creativity naming a band after your favourite snooker ball. This crime also applies to the bands Yello, White and Green, and singers Pink and Black. But to not even pick a more exotic shade of blue, like Lapis or cobalt, is downright lazy. Which brings us to…

Simply Red

What is? Mick Hucknall’s hair? In that case it should be Simply Ginger. If you’re that stuck for a name just call your band after what you’re having for f**king breakfast: Bread, Marmalade, or The Jam, who really were named this way. Mod history would be a lot less cool if they were called The Teabag.

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Wembley arch f**ked either way

THE Wembley arch would be facing a monumental backlash no matter what colour the lights are, it has emerged.

The Football Association’s decision not to illuminate the arch with the colours of the Israeli flag has provoked media outrage because football stadia are known primarily as places to remember the victims of horrific conflicts. 

An FA spokesperson said: “It’s not entirely clear what effect a stadium thousands of miles away has on the Israel-Hamas bloodletting. I’d hazard a guess of ‘probably not much’.

“We can’t win. The press lose their shit when players take the knee and say we should keep politics out of football. But now we’ve got to put it back in, apparently.

“If we’d lit the arch white and blue then people would have been asking about the Palestinian flag. Then we’d have to do it red, green, black and white on alternating nights for impartiality. Am I the only one who finds that a bit weird and tasteless?

“Now the government is having a go at us despite not issuing any official guidance. So we’re keeping the arch turned off. Taylor Swift can have it on for her concerts but she’ll only be allowed an uncontroversial colour: cyan.

Football fan Wayne Hayes said: “I’m shocked and appalled. This is the first time in its long history the FA has put a foot wrong. They’re normally so opposed to violence and oppression, except if it’s Qatar doing it to gays.”