Man follows dick instinct rather than gut instinct

A MAN decided to follow the instinct of his dick rather than his gut when making an important decision. 

On business trip to Newcastle, Martin Bishop and colleagues found themselves lost late at night in an area with poor phone reception, making it impossible to consult Google Maps for the route back to their hotel. 

However after experiencing a hard-to-describe feeling in his trousers, sales executive Bishop was sure their hotel was down a street immediately on their right.

Bishop said: “I told everyone not to worry, my dick instinct was telling me which way to go. They said, ‘Don’t you mean your gut instinct?’ I explained I preferred to trust my dick, which is right at least 15 per cent of the time. 

“My dick was telling me that if we went right, we might meet some women. And women have beds they’d let us sleep in. It also told me the women were attractive. My colleagues were sceptical, but that’s only because modern urban man has lost the spiritual connection with his dick our ancestors had. Progress is a double-edged sword.

“I urged them onward along dark, confusing sidestreets. Andy was complaining we needed to be at the conference by 8.30am the next day, but I told him he needed to have faith in my dick. 

“Anyway, after half an hour the hotel was nowhere in sight. It was really dark and Lee fell into a canal and almost died. 

“But that was a one-off. You can’t expect your dick to be right every time.”

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Bernie Ecclestone actually six foot six

FORMULA One boss Bernie Ecclestone has admitted to lifelong fraud and that he is actually six feet six inches tall.

The billionaire yesterday pleaded guilty to posing as 5ft 3ins tall for a number of years for tax reasons, before unfolding to his true height for the first time in decades.

A spokesman for Revenue and Customs said: “We met Mr Ecclestone in 2015, where he claimed that as a tiny little man whose head was level with his wife’s enhanced breasts he was not liable for capital gains tax.

“While conceding he was technically correct, our inspectors observed details which contradicted his story. For example replacement toilet rolls kept on a high shelf, unreachable by anyone below five foot nine.

“Likewise the Nutella was stored in a top cupboard, where the diminutive supremo would need to climb on a chair to reach it, and doorframes which showed the impacts of a head.

“Ecclestone admitted he was actually a large Adonis of a man and had feigned his shorter stature to evade tax. He has repaid £653m and now strides around attracting admiring glances wherever he goes.”

Ecclestone said: “Was it worth pretending to be miniature and wizened for 20 years? It wasn’t as shit as living in Monaco.”